I've got two teeth that are hurting me
Maybe I should lay off all the candy
And then I called Dr. G
"Don't have an appointment, this is an emergency"
And soon I was in my car
His office is two miles away, and that ain't too far
My insurance will cover me
No need for lawsuits, Dr. G is good at dentistry

Had to go and see the dentist, and I was so pissed
Should watch my dental health, I'm sixteen
Try to sit back and relax, although the TV's white-and-black
It has 3 channels, "Highlights For Kids" ain't a real 'zine
Watching tadpoles in a fish tank, the way my breath stank
It made me realize I need help
On the PA is Muzak, and I want to yak
Instrumental music's worth zelch
Don't use mouthwash, don't try to floss
And when my mouth is full of moss
I buy some toothpaste that's irregular in flavor
I'm like an ape, like when I scrape
Teeth in bad shape with a big gape
Right in the center, should be wearing my retainer
I like my sugar, but later I do not brush my teeth
And I don't keep a record of what I eat
I have a problem and I think it might be medical
Teeth are in pain, Novacaine, it's medicinal
I have a tendency to eat all things that are sweet
Maybe that's the reason why my teeth hurt

It's been three days since I brushed my teeth
Probably longer since I had any healthy eats
Two hours I've been sitting here
For all that they care, it might be a year
But then I hear the receptionist
Say "You can go in there now and see the dentist"
So then I am in the seat
When I was all set this is what Dr. G said to me

Burgers and hot dogs and fresh fried chicken
Brush thrice a day or your teeth start stickin'
Now the X-ray, turn the lights on, and radiation
But it will not cause any cancer
Hold up one minute got a phone call, what's that on my wall?
It is my autograph from Gilligan
Now here's the flouride, bite on this foam, and soon you'll be home
And can you start brushing your teeth again
Gotta check the back you got some plaque
A cavity, a hole that's black
So then I guess I got a little more work to do
I start my drill so then I will
Begin to drill, here it goes, "Whirr"
Now I fill it, oops I forgot to gas you
Now you are finished I bet you want a toothbrush
What you think, green or pink, I'm in a rush
Gotta catch a plane, my vacation will start soon
Need to go quick, almost six, in the afternoon
Keep your mouth clean and you will not have to see me
I'll call you back in another two months

It's been three weeks since my cavity
It doesn't hurt as much, I know it should be
And then I got a dentist bill
And said, "how can I pay this" and I do not think I will
But I'm bound by federal law
And then I feel a sharp pain way down in my jaw
That quack he did nothing for me
I'll sue his business and use the cash to buy some new teeth

Sue his business and use the cash to buy some new teeth
Sue his business and use the cash to buy some new teeth
This time I'll care and keep them really shiny....