i will tell you 'bout my garden gnome
cross dresses, says his name is joan
his gnome wife gets sick at the sight
of g-string on the waist of 'joan', as he rushes for the light
he says it makes him feel so alive
dancin round the room doing the foxtrot and the jive
his wife says she wanted a divorce
and ran off with the neighbours horse
his wife's got 15 ways
to feed that horse some hay
'joan' thought his panties would console him
but now he feels so lonely
he eats up all his breakfast and
he drinks the day away

he wants to a sing-song dance
wants to find romance
but he won't let go
oh no no no no no

coz his face lights up
his face lights up
his face lights up
his face lights up lights up lights up

coz his face lights up
his face lights up
his face lights up
his face lights up lights up lights up

silently he opens her drawer
wifey's little knickers are coming out for more
fashionably he wears them, during the midday show
his back is arched, looks like a tart, and he is ready to go

when he's at the party
he finds a bloke called dave
tells of the hummers she will give him
and the money he will save

'joan' rubs on some skin lotion
for the trip across the ocean to
their new flat in surfer's paradise
with the ocean view
where he can sing-song dance
he can find romance
he can not let go
oh no no no no no

and his face lights up
his face lights up
his face lights up
his face lights up lights up lights up