Last Christmas, I shopped at Wal-Mart
Then spent three days in a hospital stay
This year, to help me prepare
I’m going to take tai kwan do

Last Christmas, while pushing my cart
Some big woman took my blender away
With no fear I pulled on her ear
And then she removed my colon

Once bitten on my thigh
I tried to distance but she poked out my eye
I don’t think she’ll recognize me
When I go cobra kai with my ninja feet
(Oh, my blender)
I’ll snap it up and place it
In my shopping cart, can’t have this, I mean it
She won’t know what a master I am
With my green belt hidden, she cannot hurt me again

Last Christmas, she gave me start
When she piledrove me through the concrete
This year, to levy my fears
I’ve learned to wax on and wax off
Last Christmas, she ripped out my heart
The cardiologist had me for three days
This year with a mighty sneer
I’ll go and chew off her eyebrow

A crowded store, trying to survive
It could be worse, it could be Best Buy
My God, I thought the Christmas spirit would help me
No? I swear she went and tried to scalp me
My face was all clobbered and a fire on my arm
My skills undercover, but she tore me apart
Oh, oh
Now I found out how to fight you’ll never hurt me again

Last Christmas, I wasn’t too smart
I could have sworn she was my own boggart
This year, a full moon of fear
I’ll give her a boot to the head
Last Christmas, She took me apart
And bought her blender with my own credit card
This year, it’s perfectly clear
That I’ll have the upper hand now
Dressed like a ninja with a sai on his arm
I’ll find her in this Wal-mart wherever she shops
(Maybe next time)
I’ll finally get my, I’ll finally get my blender