AOC Goes To Afghanistan To Warn Refugees Not To Come To Oppressive Racist America

https://babylonbee.com/news/aoc-goes-to-afghanistan-to-warn-refugees-not-to-come-to-oppressive-racist-country-of-america

KABUL - According to sources, AOC was alarmed after seeing thousands of people desperately trying to escape Afghanistan and come to America.

"Oh no! Like, what are they doing?" shrieked AOC at her TV screen. "Don't they know America is full of systemic oppression? I need to go save them right now!"

AOC then picked up her top-secret squad phone. "Get the squad together," she said. "We have brown people to save."

She then assembled the squad in their secret squad jet and flew behind enemy lines to warn the Afghans to stay out of America before it was too late.

"Salam Alaikum my fellow austere religious BIPOCs!" she cried through a bullhorn. "Don't come to America! It is a trap! There are microaggressions and racisms everywhere, and white people appropriating your culture! Please stay here where you'll be safe and your human rights will be respected!"

She then ran over to the nearest aircraft and tried to slash the tires but failed, due to her being small and weak with no upper-body strength.

The Taliban then threw her in prison for being outside without a man.

The rest of the squad has petitioned Joe Biden to send in the military to rescue AOC, but so far have been unable to wake him up from his nap.

U.S. Border Overwhelmed With Refugees Trying To Escape Canada

https://babylonbee.com/news/us-border-overwhelmed-by-refugees-trying-to-escape-canada

WINDSOR - ICE agents are overwhelmed as thousands of desperate refugees from Canada have flooded the U.S. northern border to claim asylum. The crowd, now numbering in the tens of thousands, is attempting to escape fierce political oppression by Fidel Castro's tyrant son in Ottawa.

"Hey, come on there buddy, just let us in, eh?" said asylum-seeker Tim Pokadoke. "So sorry to bug ya but Trudeau's killin' us up here, ya know?"

Intelligence experts confirmed that Canadians are facing unprecedented political and religious persecution. They also confirmed early intelligence reports that indicated Trudeau is a "sad, scared little girly man who has to oppress working people to feel like a big boy."

Canadians at the border are hoping their requests for asylum will be granted so they may breathe the sweet, pure air of American freedom.

UPDATE: U.S. officials informed the Canadian refugees that the border was closed and that they would have to sail down to the southern border and cross there like everyone else.

Democrats Warn Abolishing Department Of Education Could Result In Kids Being Too Smart To Vote For Democrats

https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-warn-abolishing-department-of-education-could-result-in-kids-being-too-smart-to-vote-for-democrats

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats are sounding the alarm over Trump's stated plan to shutter the Department of Education, saying such a move would put millions of kids in danger of becoming too smart to vote Democrat.

"Without government, kids no learn good," Congressional Representative Alexandria Ocassio-Cortez warned. "You want no learn good?"

"For decades, our Department of Education has been doing the important work of ensuring kids stay economically, civically, and socially handicapped so that they'll be reliable Democrat voters," said Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona as he packed his office belongings into a cardboard box. "Now it appears our noble mission to keep children illiterate is being threatened. This could be catastrophic for the Democratic Party."

"He must be stopped," continued Cardona as tears began to well up in his eyes.

Education experts concur that empowering states to run their own schools could result in unapproved, non-Communist ideas being taught to susceptible young minds. "The impact on our loyal future electorate could be devastating," said Union boss Randi Weingarten. "Children might learn terrible Republican things, like math. Voters knowing math would be an existential threat to the Democratic party."

At publishing time, Democrats had also warned that abolishing the Fed could lead to citizens being too financially free to depend on the Government.

Undocumented immigrants helped the US have the fastest recovery from the pandemic. Won't booting them all out will create bad national karma?

InfoWars is going to be back online. You oughta check it out.

Power lesbian Corey Burke murders her father with an ice axe in Election Night meltdown at Seattle home

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-14073763/corey-burke-jeff-bezos-murders-father-timothy-election-night-meltdown.html

A Blue Origin employee married to a prominent trans author and journalist has been accused of killing her elderly father with an ice axe on Election Night.

Corey Burke, 33, allegedly struck, stabbed and strangled her father, 67-year-old Timothy Burke, in a fatal attack at her $800,000 Seattle home on November 5.

Burke, a training manager at Jeff Bezos' rockets and spacecraft company, confessed to killing her father after he refused to turn off the lights, according to charging documents seen by DailyMail.com.

After emerging from the house with blood 'dripping' down her face, she confessed to police that she 'freaked out,' claiming there was 'something important about Election Day.'

Burke reportedly told detectives that 'she knew that she could not convince her father to keep the lights off', so went upstairs and retrieved the murder weapon.

She then tripped her father and strangled him before attacking him with the ice axe.

Burke then bit him and hit him several times in the head and side with the blunt and sharp ends of the ice axe, cops say. His body was found in the basement.

Burke claimed she knew the killing 'needed to happen today,' according to a police report.

She allegedly told police she had to bite her father while choking him because 'he was too strong.' Burke added that she felt better once her father 'went limp.'

Burke also told police that as her father labored to breathe after the attack, 'the defendant sat next to him until he stopped breathing.'

Investigators say Burke came out of the Rainier Valley home with a bloody face and appeared to be having a mental health crisis.

Burke had apparently smashed several windows and later told police she did so in an 'act of liberation' after she killed her father. She had reportedly been 'clapping inside her home' when cops arrived.

The police report also includes her claims that she'd been 'reborn' on her 33rd birthday last month.

She initially did not let police enter the home, and detectives only went in after neighbors expressed concern for her father.

A neighbor first dialed 911 after spotting her smashing picture windows. The officer who responded to that call discovered the horror she'd unleashed inside.

Police say they recovered a bloody silver-and-blue ice climbing pick at the crime scene.

Burke was initially taken to a hospital for a mental health evaluation.

The day after the murder she reportedly whispered to one police officer, 'I killed him.'

Burke added that she had a strained relationship with her father and said she had been 'overwhelmed' on election day.

She added that she wanted to help people 'change their attachment to their parents.'

According to police documents, Burke allegedly described how she killed her father, saying 'it was really hard, really fu****g hard' and 'there were points where she felt she wasn’t going to be able to.'

Burke was charged with first-degree murder on Friday and is being held on $2million bail.

She is due in court on November 21.

Neighbors told police the father and daughter lived in the home together, and that Timothy was mostly home-bound because of health issues.

She purchased the home she shared with her father in 2023.

Her wife, Samantha Leigh Allen is an editor at Conde Nast's transgender news website Them.

Allen previously worked as a writer covering LGTBQ issues for The Daily Beast and Fusion media.

DailyMail.com has reached out to Blue Origin for comment on this story.

I Am Fun

https://web.archive.org/web/20151027190330/https://theonion.com/blogpost/i-am-fun-51731

I am fun.

I enjoy fun. I both have fun and can be fun. Fun is a word that accurately describes me and a large quantity of things of which I am fond. I appreciate fun when I encounter it, and I have even been known to partake in activities that produce fun for myself and others. Fun is something I often have when amongst a group of people. In such situations, I am capable of amusing others and, in turn, of being amused by them.

Thus, I am a fun person.

Perhaps it would be helpful for me to provide an example of a fun thing I do. I take part in levity. I enjoy jokes, which are fun. When the occasion presents itself, I have been known to make jokes of my own, thereby creating fun for those around me. This is because, like many other people I encounter, I have a sense of humor. A sense of humor is crucial to having fun and to being fun. When situations are humorous, I signal my recognition of the fun by laughing, just as you do. Just as most people do.

Although stating that I am fun and that I like fun establishes these qualities of my character sufficiently, I can also cite several instances in which I have demonstrated my fun side in public forums. I have been fun on broadcasts of late-night television programs. I have been fun on multiple social media platforms, wherein I can also be witnessed taking a carefree approach to life. If you have observed me in one of these settings, you have likely already concluded that I am a fun individual.

Furthermore, as indirect evidence of the fact that I have a fun disposition, I do not like things that are not fun.

Among my activities and areas of interest, I have identified several that strongly indicate I possess the quality of being fun. They are as follows: Recreation. Smiling. Entertainment of all kinds. Meeting people. Local sports teams. Mainstream popular culture. My friends, who are numerous and include Dianne Feinstein, Colin Powell, Tim Geithner, and Tony Blair. Fun books. Travel. Exercise. Chatting.

Being a grandparent is fun. It is also a way in which I am similar to others. This is a fun topic through which I can connect with many people. My grandchild’s name is as follows:

Charlotte.

Did I mention that I enjoy free time? Free time is when I generally have the fun I have mentioned above, and when I am the most fun myself. This is not to say I am not fun at other times, because I can be fun in any context as long as it is not inappropriate to do so. But I have found that free time is among the best times for fun. Do you agree? Perhaps this is yet another way in which you and I are similar.

You have seen how fun I can be, and that I do not take myself too seriously. Because of this, I am relatable.

I have completed my argument, but I would like to reiterate the fact that I take pleasure in having fun and being fun, just like the majority of Americans. Americans such as yourself. Now that I have presented adequate evidence for the existence of my fun, accessible nature, there will be no need to revisit this subject going forward. Thank you.

I am fun.

Made up a game called irrelevant when I was in high school and enjoyed playing it with classmates. Some people posting comments seem to be playing a version of that game.