get in the van...i got your suitcase
packed up and ready to go
turn on the headlights...tear down the highway
i'm tryin' to stay composed
my wife goes haywire...from her condition
she's really havin' a cow
i grab my cellphone...i call the doctor
i say we're comin' on down
you're at a party ?...what a fiasco
no time for foolin' around
the baby's crownin'...it looks like trouble
i think he's comin' right now

he got the message...dropped the receiver
he said he'd be on his way
i try to comfort...my poor wife's freakin'
you know she called me bad names
we climbed a hillside...the car is slowin
now backwards, startin' to roll
this came at the worst time...i think for the first time
she just might have it at home
so let's get started...i grab some crisco
and i start smearin' it 'round
my hands, i scrub up...i've heebie jeebies
and i'm so nervous right now

talk about terror...talk about horror
talk about hair turnin' gray
i feel my gut knot...i feel my fear grow
feel like i'm ready to pray
i lube her 'gina...with peanut butter
i also add mayonnaise
this kid is squeakin'...too big, his headbone
might be a record, i'd say
i got no knowledge...i missed lamaze school
but i must come through this time
my wife's no better...contraction's so hard
the pain is makin' her whine
the labor's started...i'm goin' solo
because no doc is around
this kid may split you...he's such a big dude
he shoulda been here by now

trouble in transit...he's reached a roadblock
my wife is howlin' real loud
the pain's acuter...this job is all mine
she's bloody but she's unbowed
we were not prudent...and now my poor wife
lays on a cot while i pry
i try a new style...he's so darn tight now
i wonder what it feels like
she must deliver...her body's tender
looks like she's ready to scream
she's all exhausted...i'm really tryin'
cause down the chute, he must creep

got no instructions...got no direction
and all i make is a mess
babies more narrow...would come out easy
but i am doin' my best
i can't use meathooks..what good are meathooks ?
the kid just might not survive
the breech, he's breakin'...then he's upon us
i'm glad the kid is alive
i hope he's healthy...he scared me witless
i'm glad he's finally released
i was so careful..i took no chances
i'm feelin' very relieved