When your mid-life crisis gets you from behind
You mustn't mind that your health has declined
Grow a little goatee beard, it's so refined
You'll find

Even though it never could be called unique
It's oh, so chic and c'est magnifique
Grow a little goatee beard - takes but a week

Nobody will take a look at you and frown with pity
With your little beard they'll think you so refined and witty
A celebrititty

Even though you're aging and your b.p.'s high
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Grow a little goatee beard as time goes by

I've got a beard that's kind o' weird
And has been cheered since it appeared
Could even say it's been revered
Since it were sheared
So grow some fluff upon your chin
To make 'em grin when you walk in
And best of all you know: it's free
So be... like me

If your ego's wilting and in steep decline
Don't be resigned - brother it's a sign:
Grow a little goatee beard yes, just like mine
So fine

What's the use of worrying and feeling doubt
Just 'cause your waistline is getting stout
Grow a little goatee beard as hair falls out

You will have a rakish look that doesn't hail from Peckham
See the ladies double-take and think you're David Beckham
So go and feck 'em

No more simple fantasies, depraved as sin
It's real life now, so get stuck in
Grow a little goatee beard upon your chin

("whistling" solo)

Nobody will think the worst of you when you act shitty
With your little beard they'll think you have to be so gritty
You're sitting pretty

Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
Grow a little goatee beard, hold your chin high