Aw screw it!
Aw screw it, just screw it!

I’ve been moving through cycles, new life issues found
Aches in my body, counting my time down
And don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t regret (oh no!)
Try not to have much regret (please, oh no)
Oh God, I’m 45, it really blows my mind
I should be working out, to avoid getting the gout
And the skip the Supersize—no skip the fries!

Still gotta punch the clock, still gotta punch the clock!
1,2,3,4…

Never happened before, bought brewskis at the store--time to buy
Pull my ID for proof, but then they let me through--they just know

You know, if I go to bed right now, I’ll just wake up again
‘Cause my, bladder needs to empty out a pint, then back to sleep again

This is not how it’s supposed to be
My digestions—worked so cleanly
I’m not discourteous, not be obscene
Can’t seem to control it inside me
All day I just belch and fart
At daybreak is when I start
All I just belch and fart
Just lay off the onions!

Listen--Do you want to know what I earn?
Just see the gadgets that I sell, Ohhh-ohh
Oh crap! Think I need a new career
Do that after one more beer
I’d enjoy a brew (ooooh)

Itching in my nose-way
And I poke and blow, but goddamn it won’t come out
Look in the light-way
It’s a hair in my nostril that’s grown too long
Guess I’ll pluck it out, gotta pluck it out

Ahhhhh, Plantar’s Fasciitis gets its hold on you
It makes you walk like a hobbled gnu--this is true—ai, ai ai!

He’s losing his hair, man--Grateful that I’m gray, not bad!

Don’t look at teenage girls (don’t look at college girls, don’t look at those young girls)
Give them a look, they will tag you as a perv (yeah, don’t look at those underage girls)
You’re gonna spooook those girls!

This day is making me sad, today is Trash Day, yeah!
My souvenirs of great bands, are fading away
Back then those T-shirts were rad,
Back then those T-shirts were rad
Yes, those black T-Shirts were rad, now I don’t care!

Watch the birds, come here with me
Watch the birds, and not TV
Watch the birds, they’re flitting ‘round
Have you heard, the cooing dove?
It’s so fine, to recline--Watch some birds

Ah, look at those young, snotty people!
Ah, look at those young, snotty people!

What’s this pain that’s inside me?
There are stones in my kidneys
This sensation that makes me cry
Taking Flomax the first time
Holy moly, it sure burns
There’s no beating around the bush
Every little bit I pee—it clears out me, yeah!
And the stream that slowly comes—it’s such relief, ooh!

Tell him that you bought everything he’d want
Still the kid wants things
And they don’t come cheap—no they ain’t cheap!
He wants more possessions, birthday coming ‘round
Just go bug your Grandma
She help you out—just leave me out

Oh no pain in chest, I think I’ll be a goner
How long will this lifetime last?
Got to eat low fat, no pasta carbonara
Caffeine-free Coke in my glass
Less snacks, less snacks, less snacks, and check the protein count
Less snacks, less snacks, less snacks and look for low carb count

Oooh we made hot love, babe
Every day, it’s true
Now it’s a hug or kiss, babe
Maybe one or two
Kiss me, hug me, kiss me, hug me
Surprised that she touched me
Eight times this week!

I hate that song (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah)
I hate that song (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah)
I hate that song (Yeah!)--Please turn down the vol-ume!

Got a good reason for sitting on my ass now
Got a good reason for taking off both my shoes now
I need my house slippers
For my tired feet yeah,
They’re hurtin’ so bad! Now don’t shout, I’ll still help out

It’s been a long time, that I’ve, needed to comb
Just a few strands now, oh wow, not 21
Wait! I’ll just com it to the side
And get some nice hair gel applied
Is that a mistake? Oh great! It blows astray
I think I’ll give up—Hair Club, join it today!

Ooooh, ooooh
Oh God I’m 45! That long I’ve been alive
Used to be hale and stout, feel limp as sauerkraut
Just decades left to go until I die-ie-ie ie!

Drinking fine wine, drinking fine wine
Not Grape Nehi (“My Sweet Lord” intro interlude)

Hello darling, shall we go visit your sister?
Yes my darling, it feels like years since we’ve been there
That sounds like fun (doo doo doo doo), that sounds like fun
Whadya say, sounds all right?

I drive down the road, see that car, looking creepy
Boy, that guy’s car’s a s***heap
I gun it to the floor, now that guys turning
I said his car’s a s***heap

Your age bracket’s your defeat
Taxes! Pay your bills, son!
Put up your house’s equity
Taxes! Feel the heat
You pay your tax man! Yeah it breaks our backs, man!

It’s now a Friday night, I sure don’t wanna do a jog
Yes, dear, it’s Friday night, kick all my clothes off and put on Crocs
Let’s just stay home we two, and view a Blue-Ray or two
That would be just all right

Notice watching movies, no names that I know
I can’t keep track of these Hollywood tyros
Just think, they were only in diapers in my 3rd decade!
Names I can’t remember of movie stars today

I wish I could start anew, instead of this nice practi-cal car
And cruise a hot Mach 5 roadster
I’d speed across the desert plain
And guys would be sad ‘cause their own cars are a pain

I got something that just gnaws at my brain
It’s nothing but that damned migraine again
I have to go lay down (go lay down)
And lay down flat (take some ibuprofen to fix that)
Like what I had once before, oh, it’s bad like that

I got these blackheads on my neck, girl
Something I never thought I’d say, girl
Come on (come on) come on (come on) come one
Please squeeze these, oh yeah, then I’ll squeeze yours (3x)

Oh my di-gestive system
It used to work so grand
Now eating ethnic food things
I need to have it bland
Please cook it bland, I need my food cooked bland
Please cook these tacos bland!

You hit the next cycle
Gained 4 or 5 more pounds
Aches in your body, can’t stand too loud sounds
And names, facts, dates now you forget (oh no!)
And names, facts, dates now you forget (oh no no!)
Dear God, you’re 45, still workin’ in the hive
Just hope that it works out, though you may have some doubt
You still have got a life, and that’s a prize!