Well they all come here for to celebrate every voyage of the Enterprise
In their Star Trek costumes and Star Fleet uniforms and anticipation in their eyes
You pay a million credits for three long days in a room that’s about to fall apart
In a flophouse costing an arm and a leg and it really kind of breaks your heart

It’s a grand science-fiction event with good times for every age of boy and girl
It’s the annual Conference
Of STAR FLEET International of the United Federation of Planets of the world

Meanwhile back at the hotel...

Spoken
Connect me with Room Two-Five-Zero-Five, please.
Thank you.
Satelle to Gloov--come in, Gloov.
Lieutenant Gloov, I say again: Acknowledge! This is Captain Satelle!
Repeat, this is Captain--Willy, blast it, this is Jim! Willy, why haven’t you registered?
What?
Well, how did you get those fireworks and that portable generator IN your room?
What? I can’t hear you, Willy!
Quit running that generator, Lieutenant Armitage! Turn it off! That’s an order!
Listen--I want to tell you one thing. You have embarrassed us all, the entire crew of the Hornblower!
Now I’ll see you at the banquet tonight, William.
And you be there, Willy, you hear me? Full-dress uniforms--nineteen:hundred hours! BE there!
And Willy, don’t acknowledge with ’yeah yeah!’ Phelps out!
Blazes.

Well it was all arranged by the Ladies Auxiliary in the downtown Convention Hall
Cold fried chicken creamed corn baked potatoes and three boring speeches in all
And all the tables looked fine with their cheap jug wine and delta-shields on each side
And the officers and crew in their badly-fitting uniforms puffed up the locals with pride

It’s a grand science-fiction event with good times for every age of boy and girl
It’s the annual Conference
Of STAR FLEET International of the United Federation of Planets of the world

Meanwhile back at the hotel...

Spoken
Room Two-Five-Zero-Five, please.
Thank you.
Phelps to Armitage--Willy, what are you doing?
What do you mean, may you ask who’s calling? This is James! Why didn’t you report to the banquet?
What do you mean all you had to wear was a short-sleeved red-and-black flannel shirt?
Well, you may think you’re fooling some personnel, but I know what’s happening.
Yes, all hands have seen that prostitute. That’s right, ALL hands!
She came running straight through the dinner, right in the middle of the STAR FLEET Commander’s speech. All she had on was your beret, Willy!
Willy, you’re the only one here WITH a kelly-green Monty-style beret!!
And that was not all; she was performing a lewd dance, too, Willy. How lewd? It was a simulation of sex using tableware; THAT was how lewd it was, Willy!
The Admiralty Board’ll have to hold a special meeting, before we return to Bensalem, about your conduct at this conference. Humiliating!!
Now Willy, you be at the Admiralty Board meeting tomorrow, you hear me?
We may have to bring you up on charges!
Phelps out.
Oh, Gene Roddenberry would be so outraged....

Well it was a real busy meeting in the late afternoon conducted with sanctimony
In accordance with long-standing regulations and time-honored ceremony
Matters of grave concern were debated with all appropriate passion
Like where to get together the year after that or if the funds would be rationed

It’s a grand science-fiction event with good times for every age of boy and girl
It’s the annual Conference
Of STAR FLEET International of the United Federation of Planets of the world

Meanwhile back at the hotel...

Spoken
Operator, connect me with...you knew already?
Oh.
Phelps to Armitage--Willy, where have you been?
No, you were NOT at the meeting!
Well, I’ve learned that at oh-three:hundred hours you were swimming naked in the hotel swimming pool with some of the female servers from the cocktail lounge!
I hope your wife never learns about this, Willy!
What?
Well, how did you get those fireworks out there IN the cocktail lounge, Willy?
William Armitage, that is no way to conduct yourself. We’re supposed to lead by example, even if we don’t mean to set any!
When we return to Bensalem, I mean to make you destroy your member identifications, because, Lieutenant, you have been dishonorably discharged from STAR FLEET International!
You have been cashiered, William! That’s right!
Moreover, I mean to turn you over to the police, because your conduct was out-and-out illegal!
What do you MEAN you’re considering joining the mob?
William! Don’t you disconnect on me!
Hello? Hello? Don’t you even consider setting off a firework!
Who’s that giggling in the background, Armitage?
Hello?
Hello, front desk? Yes, we’ve been cut off!
Room Two-Five-Zero-Five!
William Armitage! You don’t hang up on Captain James Phelps of the U.S.S. Hornblower!
I said Captain James Phelps of the U.S.S. Hornblower!!
This is Jim! THIS IS CAPTAIN JAMES PHELPS!!
LIEUTENANT WILLIAM ARMITAGE, YOU ACKNOWLEDGE ME NOW!
THAT’S AN ORDER!
WILLY!!!
WILLY, DO YOU COPY???
WILLY!!!...