Ain't no explanation 
Gets you through my door
I'm keeping all my rations
Can't spare no Dinty Moore

Not taking any visitors
I thought I'd really made that clear
This great tofurkey sausage - 
All mine despite your tears
Looks like I'm now a hermit - curse these virus fears

I'm hoarding toilet paper
So much I went and bought
TP conservation
It is mine, you all can rot

Just trying to do my own bit
To keep social distance
Let's make us an agreement 
Stay outside my fence
This state-mandated space wedge
Makes all kinds of sense

I'm not proud, of my fear
But I'll sic my pit bull if you're near
It's our fate, for a time
That contact takes place on Zoom or Skype

So we use these online portals
We each start our own podcast
We're reluctant home school tutors
Wish I'd studied more at math

I don't shower now before noon
Just every other day
I say hygiene is elective
Got Axe body spray
And if I don't get up, is that a sin?
I think that it's okay

I'm not proud, of my fear
Spending way too much time chugging beer
When will it abate - name the date, one that's nigh
Just burned through season twelve's Family Guy

It's like we're all in mourning 
For our standard day-to-day
No half-assed trip to our gym
No Starbucks huge latte

No sports events to cheer at
Fans all disappeared 
There's no place that I can go
To meet up with my peers
I'll just barricade myself in
It's the new frontier

I'm not proud, of my fear
But bad news keeps assaulting my ears
Now I'll wait, and I'll spy
To make sure our six feet's quantified

So say it, say it, say "no crowds"
Feels like years…