I wonder why they print such stuff
Haven't people had enough of lies?
Another tabloid through the door
And hits the floor - it's full of shite
Focussing on famous lives
Famous sportsmen (and their wives), won't try it
'Cause I don't really want to know
The private life of so-and-so
But if you want the gossip, hell - just buy it:

Lady Di, Madonna, Britney, Cher and Elvis
It's there in black and white, it must be true!
Lady Di, Madonna, Britney, Cher and Elvis
No smoke 'thout fire? Now, what's that say about you?

Diana, so loved by the press
That they hounded her to death in Paris
With staggering hypocrisy
Ran their obituaries unembarrassed
Please tell me that I'm not alone
That there's someone else who'll moan at their tales so tall
So Elvis is alive somewhere?
Who gives a shit? No, I don't care
It don't mean anything to me at all

Lady Di, Madonna, Britney, Cher and Elvis
They're printing all that tripe, that shameless crew
Lady Di, Madonna, Britney, Cher and Elvis
I ain't no lawyer, but I can tell it ain't true

Oh Britney we all love to hate
But do we need her every date dissected?
And when the boyfriends kiss and tell
Say "Go to hell" - it ain't respected
And now he's wanting to be paid
But the cheque's already made to some tart in New York
So why can't they just run and hide
Commit celebrity suicide
And not demean themselves before us all

Lady Di, Madonna, Britney, Cher and Elvis
Just stories dreamt up, maybe on the loo
Lady Di, Madonna, Britney, Cher and Elvis
No smoke 'thout fire? Now what's that say about you?
I ain't no lawyer, but I can tell it ain't true
Wish they'd expire, the press and editors, too
No smoke 'thout fire?
...What does that say about you?