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Song Parodies -> "Money for Nothing - Homoeopathy Version"

Original Song Title:

"Money for Nothing"

Original Performer:

Dire Straits

Parody Song Title:

"Money for Nothing - Homoeopathy Version"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

It's funny how so many proponents of alternative medicine and homoeopathy talk about "big pharma" as though they're the "other lot", when the biggest producer of homoeopathic products (I refuse to call them "medicines" or even "remedies"), Boiron, is listed as a "pharmaceutical" company & has a turnover in excess of $800M. For producing bottles of water and sugar pills.

Strikes me that a real pharmaceutical company must get really irked with this state of affairs: if Boiron want to bring a new product to market, they give a bottle of water or some sugar pills a new label and hey presto! A whole new product line. No phase 0 trials checking for effects on cell cultures; no phase I trials to find safe dosage/side-effects; no phase II trials to find effective dosages; no phase III trials to determine effectiveness relative to other existing medicines; no randomization.. well, no controlled trials at all; no publishing of results for peer review. Just a "we say this bottle of water is good for this specific" (and don't get me started on how homoeopaths decide what a particular bottle of water is good for.. find something that causes the same sort of symptoms (the "genus epidemicus") and dilute it until there's nothing there)

Now, that really *is* money for nothing.
Now look at them, Boiron, that's the way you do it
Selling water that is content-free
That ain't "med'cine" that's the way you do it
Money for nothin': homoeopathy
Now that ain't workin': they don't even test it
Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb
Maybe make a million selling magic water
Maybe make a million, and then some

We gotta do our Phase 0 trials
Testing in our laboratory-y-y
We gotta publish (nearly) all our data
We gotta do it all in vi..

See the little bottle with the medic-style label
It make you think there's something good in there
That little bottle got nothing in but sugar
That little bottle could be, well, just air

We gotta do our Phase I trials
In real patients, real carefully-y-y
We gotta prove these drugs ain't dang'rous
We gotta prove they're side-effect free

I should never have learned real science
I shoulda skipped that ethics course
I could've sold those suckers magic water
I could've done it without remorse
Just look at symptoms, the genus epidemicus
Then dilute it, infinitely
That ain't research, ethical? Nah, screw it
Get your money for nothin', homoeopathy

We gotta do our Phase II trials
Controls selected randomly-y-y
We gotta test many, many factors
We gotta do these RCTs

All that succussing, endlessly diluted
Potentiated up to 30C
That ain't workin', ain't nothing left there in it
Money for nothin': homoeopathy
Money for nothin': homoeopathy

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Total Votes: 9

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Sam Bonis - November 12, 2014 - Report this comment
And that also applies to all unregulated, potentially dangerous, rip-off nostrums from St. John's Wort to Milk Thistle, thanks to Sen. Orin Hatch (R-Utah).
Giorgio Coniglio - November 12, 2014 - Report this comment
Couldn't agree more. But you can't explain the appeal of alternative medicine, or argue it away, even with song.
Phil Alexander - November 12, 2014 - Report this comment
Sam - thing about "alt med" things like St John's Wort is that there is an active ingredient which may have an effect (whether it's the one claimed is another question altogether.. as has been said by many comedians now, if it has been shown to work, it's just "medicine"); with homoeopathy there is literally only water.. or a sugar pill which has had the only water dripped on and then allowed to evaporate.

Giogio - I can't explain it.. though I would still like to know why Boiron doesn't count as being "Big Pharma". Maybe it's because they don't do any of this nasty testing of their products?
Patrick - November 12, 2014 - Report this comment
These days, even water, air, and especially sugar are hazardous substances. Sounds like I'm in the wrong line of work.

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