Always bawling and uptight
She never is a bore
I'd never have the guts to cheat
Cause of what she'd have in store
Won't mention
What I'd have to pick up off the floor

I said I'm gonna marry a psycho
That won't leave me alone
She'll call me every minute
Long distance on the phone
She'll cut up every picture
Of every girl that I know
And every time I come home late
She'll cry and yell and throw

My friends will tell me I'm a trainwreck
I'll be shakin' from the fear
And with all those threatening notes she sends
Those women won't get too near
I know she'll be watchin' round the clock
To see if I've got plans
If I take the long way home
She's wondering where I am

Because when it comes to disorders
She will have them all and more
Her doctor will want to put her
Behind a rubber door
Pyschiatrist's will tell me
Emotionally she's scarred
And then they'll whisper quietly,
"You should get yourself a guard"

Yeah, I'm gonna marry a psycho
Now won't that just be fun?
But I'll make sure that I sell
All my axes, knives and guns
And I'll keep the sanitarium's number
Always close at hand
And if she crosses over
Then she'll go to loony land

Now I know that I'm forgetting
About her obsessive relatives
The ones who stick their noses
Into everybody's biz
But if I play my cards just right
Won't have to worry 'bout a thing
I can get them all at once
In a giant wacko sting

When she's sleeping sometimes she snarls
And kicks against the wall
But at least she doesn't spend her days
Clothes shopping at the mall
And her folks don't find it funny
Doping her with "tranqs"
The safest way to sleep at night
Is when my guns are filled with blanks

I'm sure I'm gonna marry a psycho
That's just the way it is
I think that was the answer I
Got on some doctor's quiz
I know that's not the kind of results
Should be getting from a test
I wonder if the doctor
Wrote it down just as a jest

Too bad I'm gonna marry a psycho
Cause that's something I dread
Get the feeling some morning
I just might wake up dead
And you know she just won't be stable
Although that just might be a perk
Cause I'll be raking in the money
From our "Psycho Friends Network"