"I'M SCARED OF NELLIE'S HAIR" (set to "Mary's Prayer")
Original song: ©1987 Gary Clark ℗1987 Virgin Records Ltd
Parody lyrics: 2010 R. Anthony Botti

Walnut Grove was wonderfull
Way back in the Seventies
Just another tiny town
Of folks without a care

It always left me breathless
All the people were so selfless
They would rather give than take
And everybody shared

Suddenly the horses freaked
Suddenly the peace was lost
Suddenly a general store
Opened up in town

And with that store came someone so vile
A spoiled and vicious little child
I spat out my chocolate shake
When I saw Nellie's hair

Little House on the Prairie, Prairie
There on my TV screen
A girl who was very scary
Curly-haired, blonde and really mean

Sparring with that Ingalls girl
Preening like a haughty peacock
The writers sure outdid themselves
When they wrote lines for you

So when you play somebody who's mean
Play her that way in every scene
No need to do a second take
While wearing Nellie's hair

I found it so frightening, frightening,
Bad luck, like a black cat
If you had been hit by lightning
Your hair would still have looked better than that
It's now 28 years later
What became of that girl?
The one who was such a hater
Her blonde hair done up in ringlet curls

“Confessions of a Prairie Bitch”
I bought it at my local bookstore
Already learned a lot of stuff
About the author's life

And if I've got any questions to ask
I hope that someday they'll be answered
I've become a total flake
And I blame Nellie's hair

And so I say Nellie, Nellie
What's the deal with that 'tude
You turn me to jelly, Nellie
When you start getting totally rude
Tell me, Nellie
Was it 'cause of the pain?
The way that they rammed those hair pins
Through your skull and down into your brain

Nellie, Nellie
Evil, scheming & mean

Every mirror's sure to break
At the sight of Nellie's hair
I think I just saw a snake
Peek out from Nellie's hair
I've had more than I can take
I'm scared of Nellie's hair