I met your mother in the trailer park
Out turning tricks for beer and gas
I stole behind her like a tiger shark
And I bit her on the ass

She didn't know me till I snatched her wig
And said it looked like Donald Trump
She couldn't kick me with her wooden leg
So she beat me with the stump

We pledged to spend the night severely blitzed
And hailed some cabbie from Iraq
We paid our fare to town with counterfeits
And we spent the change on crack

We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But all her child support was gone
We stole some Cuervo from the Circle Q
And we drank it in the john

We drank a toast to impotence
We drank a toast to cows
We tried to sing and dance like Mexicans
But neither one knew how

She said you kids were effing worthless slobs
And that her pimp was still a jerk
She would have liked to try some decent jobs
But she didn't like to work

I said for broads her age her body cooked
A total lie to try to score
I called her "Britney Eyes"; they really looked
Like Marty Feldman's more

She said she saw me on the wanted signs
And heard I busted out of jail
I said it rocked to meet celebrities
But the water sports were hell

We drank a toast to Junior Mints
We drank a toast to pee
We tried to drink to all the presidents
But blanked at number three

We drank a toast to miscreants
We drank a toast to Pong
While singing in our underpants
Another old - lame - song

The room was stinky and our livers shot
And I was far too plowed to play
We took turns puking in the par - king - lot
And I watched her limp away

[Slooowing]

Jusht for a moment I was going shtraight
But then I jacked an Esh.U.V.
And azh I shwerved to mish the Shuper 8
I drove - shtraight through - a
Chree

[Sax solo: One verse, not of "Auld Lang Syne," but of "Tequila."
The first line is plaintive and heart-wrenching,
but it accelerates to party speed by the end,
after which everyone yells:]

TE-QUI-LA!