I hate the media gossipin’
All moral and smug, what a life
It’s a harsh world that we’re livin’ in
When you can’t even cheat on your wife

Didn’t want you to know I’m a naughty boy
I’m not one for baring my soul
‘Cause it’s crossing the line, no-one’s business but mine
If I score in more than one goal

La la la di-de daah
La laa, di-de daah da dum

I am the Mystery Football Man
You’ll never know my name
Well unless you are smart and you Google me
And spoil the surprise what a shame

Now honesty is the best policy
But I did not have the guts
‘Cause if my wife found out she would scream and she’d shout
And she’d probably cut off my nuts
When the newspapers threatened to rat on me
Well I just didn’t know what to do
‘Til I heard about super-injunctioning
The best way to tell ‘em “Screw you!”

Oh la la la, di-de-daah
La laa, di-de daah da dum

Took out an injunction to shut ‘em up
Slapped that on The Sun* and kaboom!
I was boffing my lover, some girl off Big Brother
And everyone had to keep schtum**

Well I thought I had been such a clever-clogs
Banning papers from saying what’s true
But I just didn’t count on the nosy geeks
Who had got nothing better to do

Yes I’m that Mystery Football Man
You won’t guess who it is
‘Cause you’ll never get past an injunction mate
Unless you’re an internet whizz

So those nerdy web trolls went and turned on me
And they just wouldn’t leave it alone
Grassed me up*** in their Twits, I’ll get those little shits
Every one of those ‘persons unknown’
But it seems I still can’t sue the Twitter site
Just because it lives in the US
And you can’t trace the words of anonymous turds
So the whole thing’s a big shitty mess

Oh la la la, di-de-daah
La laa, di-de daah da dum

Not such a Mystery Football Man
Now they’ve exposed my crime
And they’re all gonna pay, I’ll be honest though
It seems like a big waste of time