The Lyrics

I confess to having lusted all these females at some point in my life, and I hereby salute them, with my left hand - so sue me for being heterosexual! Even I don't know why I liked Doris Day, but I do recall boyish daydreams about Calamity Jane. I've paced it to how the OS plays, which is why each verse's pacing varies, so it benefits from being read to the OS (which is available here ) playing

Audrey Hepburn, Doris Day, Fayes Wray and Dunaway
Julia L-Dreyfuss when she's flirting on the phone

Ava Gardner, Teri Hatcher, anyone near Maggie Thatcher
Barb'ra Eden, Barb'ra Feldon, Marilyn Monroe

Cate Blanchett, Cheryl Tiegs, Taylor from the B. and B.
Portman! (that's Natalie)...Pamela's anatomy

Farrah Fawcett's jawbone...gals who dated Rolling Stones
Cheryl Ladd's designer jeans and Hayley Mills in night-ies

These women I've desired
What a state I've been in
since the date I seen 'em
They're preachin to the choir
to impress this fellow
they had ME at "hello"

Karen Allen, Heidi Klum...AnnMargret in Bad Jack's room
Prim'n'straight Kate Beckinsale...Natalie Wood

Scar-Jo, Katie Holmes, Denise Richards (dis-robed)
Lauren Hill, softly killed - sounding hiphopgood

Claire Danes' Juliet...Sharon and her scissor legs
Mena with a single rose - Lena Ol-in pantyhose

Elle M's swimming togs - UmaThurm in "Cats And Dogs"
Victim Jane's "Melrose" face - Penny out of "Lost-In-Space"

Each woman I've admired
gets my heart a-beating
I start over-heating
Bits of me go haywire
ev'ry time I see 'em
[censored] [censored] cre-am

Racquel Welch, bear-skinned...Hurley Liz in safety pins
Jennifer - Beals's thighs...Heather Graham's saucer eyes

Cat-woman, Goldie Hawn...Halle Berry (Monster-balled)
Bonham-Carter (Helena) - after Brad Pitt "feloned" her

Monica Bellucci...Kath Turner's bodyheat
J. but-long-ago Lo...1-bare-legged Flo-Jo

Ging-er...Maryanne...Laurie Partridge in a band
Michelle Pfeiffer's mi-aow...whoopee on pi-anow

Objects Of My Desire
All are perfect samples
All, my heart, have trampled
Just preachin to the choir
to impress McArthur
(they'd have me at "F*** off")

Brigitte B's French curves, Sharapova's first serve
Mindy...Cindy...circle skirts when windy

Barbarella's opening scene, Im-brug-li-a Natalie
Kate Moss, Kath Ross, nobody from Lesb-os

Bangles, Whitney Brown, Pebbles at nineteen (wow!)
CZJ! Blown away! in "The Darling Buds Of May"

These fruits of my desire
warrant NO improvement
(love their ev'ry movement)
They don't, a key, require
to unlock this feller
I aint Rockefeller

Julia...Roberts' laugh...when she's in that bubble bath
Grace K, Anna K, sultry Lisa Bon-et

Debra Messing playing Grace, Jessie Alba's cute face
Pamela Barnes-Ewing's rack, Angelina's tattooed back

Gwyneth Paltrow early on, Friendly Jenny Aniston
Monica...(I suppose)...in the early episodes

Kylie's waxwork on all fours, all the Basin City whores
Female members of The Corrs, gimme more and more and more...

These women start a fire...
in my loins - it's burning!
(not that it's discerning)
's long as they can respire
they've won THIS bloke over
this aint Casanovanovanovanova novanovanova...

I readily perspire
ev'ry time I see 'em
I [censored] my je-ans
They're preachin to the choir
to impress this fellow
they had ME at "hello"

(fade)

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User Comments

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Freddy Flame - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Good job and some good girls.

Johnny D - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

LOL !! Freakin' brilliant, Stu, definite SOTM material. Looks like lots of work went into that. Why not record it & accompany yourself on the organ? ;-)

AFW - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

What a fantastic file of feminine fantasy...Mine, are all in there, too...except one, you forget Beyonce Knowles...Amazing work, here..ya' gotta stay up a couple nights to do something like this, right?

2nz - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Great stuff, Stu. My highlights were "Heidi Klum" and "Sharapova".

alvin rhodes - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

i knew this was gonna be good before i even opened it...what a scream

Stephen Harrington - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

You've got 5s, dude. Very good, gave me a big smile.

Jeff Reuben - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Karen Allen. Sweet. Where's the video?

Dee Range - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

These women are all 10's....even though you left out Bo Derek. Song's degree of difficulty, on a scale of 1-10, is 10. Parody result...priceless, to steal Visa's commercial line. Jess Alba is the hottest, IMO, but you couldn't go wrong with any of them. Great stuff, as usual, Stu. Keep 'em cummin'!!!

Matthias - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

No Vanna White mention, I mean come on who hasn't oogled over their TVs during Wheel of Fortune... And I see of course you added Jolie in there... 555 Women At Your Service....

Stuart McArthur - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

thanks Freddy

thanks Johnny - there's an idea, and in fact I DID write it to the strains of my organ :-)

thanks AFW - Beyonce!! d'Oh! (and I was looking for a rhyme for Aussie at one stage too)

thanks 2nz - Sharapova was a certainty, given how they sometimes show that first serve of hers on the Playboy channel

thanks alvin and Stephen :-)

yes, Jeff, lol, I take it you also have your own copy of "Raiders" ;-)

thanks Dee - yeah, I tossed Bo around, but cutting-room floor was where she ended up (hmm, she would've rhymed with Flo-Jo too) - but Jessica Alba in Sin City! (ie. Basin City as per my reference) - crikey Moses....

Arwen - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

I've had so much fun reading these (this and Mr. Pacholek's) that I'd be tempted to write one of my own, if I didn't slam you all daily with my obsessive crushes...=)

Rick C - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Another gem, Stu. But, what about a couple of my faves...Elisabeth Shue and Salma Hayek??? I guess it's up to me to get them immortalized here, eh? Oh yeah, fives as usual.

Stuart McArthur - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

we don't get Vanna, but I remember seeing her on Wheel Of Fortune when I was last in the US, which was ages ago, matthias, plus in all those cameos she does - so she's still around? - or are you wistfully referring to the boyhood memory ;-)

I don't mind being slammed by you one little bit, Arwen.......cigarette? - j/k - oh no, get away from that personally-crafted ultra >:-( emoticon - d'oh! - and many thanks ;-)

Stuart McArthur - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

whoa, Rick! - I HAD Elizabeth Shue In!!! - honestly! (I loved her in Leaving Las Vegas) but replaced with someone - sorry mate - and thanks :-)

Rick C - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

I don't mind being slammed by you one little bit, Arwen.......cigarette? LOL!!!! :-)

Michael Pacholek - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Mine was cute, but this was a freakin' masterpiece. I saw you got Z-Jo in there... nice job renaming Scarlett Johansson "Scar-Jo"... Wish I'd thought of Natalie Imbruglia, with the Italian pronunciation (silent G) I could've rhymed it with "drool ya." And Katherine Ross... her peak years were before my time but ho-lee cow... and she still looks pretty good.

Stuart McArthur - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

thanks MP - and if Katherine Ross was before your time, does that mean that your C Z-J's "Darling Buds Of May" (the charming Brit show that started it all for her) was also before your time? If so, try to get hold of it - I only watched it to see her (at age 19, I'm guessing, and married on the show to a doofus poonce) - she was breathtaking, and as yet untainted by Old Man Douglas ;-)

Larry Hensley - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

Very funny

Tommy Turtle - April 11, 2006 - Report this comment

You'd take Doris Day over a pair of hot Lesbos? You're sick!!! :) :) 555

Red Ant - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

Well, I hate to change the derection here, but I need to mention something that "stood out" (so to speak) in your opening comment first: "I've paced it to how the OS plays, which is why each verse's pacing varies..". I'm glad you stayed true to TOS; singing this was a breeze (after I regained my breath!).

Now that that pesky pacing thing is out of the way, great work here Stuart (or should that be Spew-her? lol). I haven't seen all of these women, though from the ones I have I take it the rest are beautiful too. Favorite line: "Halle Berry (Monster-balled)" LOL!. No Lynda Carter though? Oh well. 555.

Stuart McArthur - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

hmm, you're right, I may have to rethink that Lesbos line under those circumstances, TT - and yes, Doris Day indeed - BUT - you can't undo the past...

yes, you're right Red Ant, I placed myself firmly in your pacing school here, as this OS rather dictates it - thanks for listening against the OS - and sorry about Lynda - I always thought she was a little too white-bread, whatever that means, and as though Doris Day isn't *rolls your eyes for you* - lol, and thanks

Rex - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

OK, this covers the first week after puberty. Excellent reminiscing here.

Jeff Reuben - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

Raiders, Animal House...

Stuart McArthur - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

sorry Larry - didn't see your comment - thanks

thanks Rex - lol - what reminiscing? :-)

yes that's right Jeff, Animal House - two-timing with Donald Sutherland I recall - very cute as whatsisname's maturer girlfriend

Cat - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

Stu, you horndog you! I admit I liked it that you mentioned Debra Messing since she's not that big in the chest...gives girls like me more hope. =) As for myself, I just focus all my energy into one sole celebrity crush, you SHOULD know who that is if you've read all my parodies. ;)

Stuart McArthur - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

thanks Cat. One at a time is fine, but when you get to my age, you've got a whole Billy-Joel-ful back catalogue

Michael Pacholek - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

Katherine Ross was in "Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid," which was in theaters when I was born, but she was in "The Final Countdown" in 1980, where the U.S.S. Nimitz gets time-warped back to the day before Pearl Harbor was bombed, as was commanded by... Kirk Douglas! But I've never seen "The Darling Buds of May" (not sure if it's ever aired in the U.S.), even though, thanks to Antonio Banderas' Zorronian swordplay, I've seen the darling buds of Catherine.

Stuart McArthur - April 12, 2006 - Report this comment

Michael, I only caught "Darling Buds" (which is set in the early 1900s in a country town in England where everyone helps each other out and the tables are all abundantly laden with fresh home-goodness food and the whole town feasts together with the jolly ma-and-pa rosy-cheeked family, including eldest daughter C Z-J) because a jaded Aussie TV critic who usually despises such saccharine but warm fare, wrote that he never missed the show because of the utterly stunning newcomer, Catherine Zeta-Jones. I was astonished, and tuned in (typical Disney-like Sunday 6.30pm timeslot) and was similarly blown away (as I said in the parody) - never missed an episode after that - would love to see it again :-)

Jeff Reuben - April 14, 2006 - Report this comment

"I'm in love with an idiot" "Is he bigger than me?"

Chris Bodily TM - May 06, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) What, no Tawny Kitaen? No Markie Post? No Clara "Where's the Beef?" Peller? .... Just kidding about Clara Peller! LOL! This song must be a doozy to parody, but you did it perfectly. The pacing is dead-on, and I love the reference to Julia in the bathtub in Pretty Woman, I think that's a funny line. And Clare Dane's Juliet.... Where's her Oscar for that? I guess they're holding out for She's the Man to sweep the Academy Awards next year, as that, too, is based on Shakespear. To five or not to five? That is the question. Whether 'tis funnier than a parody about zombies eating people's brains, I think you nailed it, man! It's gonna be a tough month for everyone to vote on. Phenomenal job, Stu! 555

Agrimorfee - May 09, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) List songs are usually boring, but you made this exciting...even had the bravery to censor yourself, too. Creativity all-around---"CZJ < buds of May"? Oh Lordy, it figures! 555

Rick C - May 09, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Immediately moved this one to the short list. Perfectly paced and funny as hell!

Cat - May 10, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) See above!

Rex - May 11, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Still excellent the second time around!

Scathe - May 11, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Crazy stuff, Stu.

Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - May 17, 2006 - Report this comment

SOTM - I didn't c(o)unt but I figure there must be at least 72 women mentioned here, and I with you on all of them, heck could I get them as virgins in the afterlife I'd sign up with the Al-Qaida today. (Just kidding, I think).

bobpiecheese - May 18, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) A few mis-paced rhymes and a few mis-rhymed rhymes. I don't even know half these girl, but the ones I do know...hold me back!

Max Power - May 23, 2006 - Report this comment

SOTM-Good

Red Ant - May 28, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) See above, and though this parody dates you a bit I'm sure you'd date it back. ;-)

....And thanks to CBTM for reminding me why I watched Night Court.

Johnny D - May 28, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Parody from the gland down under!

Phil Alexander - May 29, 2006 - Report this comment

Like, er, wow. I think you got pretty much all of mine there, too (with the possible exception of Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man ;-) )

Larry Hensley - May 31, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) See above!

Arwen - May 31, 2006 - Report this comment

SOTM...I'm a little bit stumped by the appeal of Helena Bonham Carter...not to mention Katie Holmes...but this is SO well written that I'll let it slide. Nice NICE job, Stuart...excellent.

wannabemustangjockey - May 31, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Greetings to the fellow WDSTF parodist! I must say this is a fair amount dirtier than my version, but seeing as how I'm not what you might call an expert on women (I am only 18, after all)...I'll take your word for it. Actually, I am familiar with most of these ladies. But not personally. Good job.

Spaff.com - June 01, 2006 - Report this comment

I used to refer to Helena Bonham-Carter as "Helluva Bottom Carter." Just thought that you should know. Fantabulous stuff, s2art. I would love to have written this. TMGLTM, and you named a whole slew of my boyhood crushes. (OK, a whole slew of my *current* crushes.)

By the way - Whoopee Goldberg on a piano? I'm TOTALLY with you on that.

Right Said Fred - August 10, 2006 - Report this comment

Maggie Thatcher??? ...Ewwwww! I hope you weren't thinking of who I was thinking about.

Rick C - March 30, 2007 - Report this comment

(SOTY) See above and I still love it.

Below Average Dave - March 31, 2007 - Report this comment

(SOTY) Another We Didn't Start the Fire parody. . .as I've said a few times in the past. . .I am not the biggest fan of list parodies, but it doesn't mean they can't be funny, I hope I never get challenged to do one, they aren't my first choice. Still top nods as usual.

Claude Prez - February 26, 2018 - Report this comment

Looks like I missed this first time around - now that I'm doing this song I have a TON of appreciation for the work that must've gone into this. Absolutely delightful readalong

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