Verse 1: With his mouth wide open
Decay he can’t hide
His teeth had start wither, wither
Before the use of fluoride, fluoride
Cuz he was old-fashioned
Bought dentures of oak
Soon they become ashen, ashen
Splinters cause him to choke, to choke

Chorus: Woody-toothed, woody-toothed
Woody, woody-toothed dude
Woody-toothed, woody-toothed
Woody, woody-toothed dude
Can’t drink, can’t smoke
What can he do?
His teeth of oak
Are rotting through
Chunks of woods chips will get swallowed
It looks like toothpicks inside

Verse 2: He don’t smile in pictures
There’d be a fit
Cuz smilin’ gives him splinters, splinters
On the inside of his lip, his lip
He can’t stand that feelin’
Cryin’ out for a wish
Bare his teeth like pit bulls, pit bulls
And brush them all with varnish, varnish

Chorus: Woody-toothed, woody-toothed
Woody, woody-toothed dude
Woody-toothed, woody-toothed
Woody, woody-toothed dude
Polish and shine
That’s what you do
Has bark and bite
Oh yes he do
Teeth as cubed as a Picasso
Keep those teeth all inside

Verse 3: No one’s gonna tell him
His breath has got bite
It’s smelling like a soggy loggy
That’s covered up with fungi, fungi
Just ask and he’ll show you
Each wooden molar
His mouth is like it’s own rainforest
I think he may have gone much too far!
In this strange collection
There’s tons you can spy
Here’s an odd confection, section
These are made of bonsai, bonsai

Chorus: Cherry, chestnut
What else he got?
Willow, walnut
What else he got?
Many of these teeth are hollow
And some are petrified

Chorus: Balsa, bamboo
What else he got?
Teak, pine, and spruce
If he eats a jalapeño
Mouth may catch on fire

Chorus: Maple, Rosewood
What else he got?
Apple, Redwood
What else he got?
If they chip, no need scowl
A new pencil to write

Chorus: Can’t drink, Can’t smoke
With ebony!
Can’t drink, can’t smoke
Mahogany!
Subtle innuendo follows
Mouth has got wood inside