"Alternative Christmas Medley"

[VERSE 7 APPLIES TO SUNDERLAND, TYNE and WEAR, ENGLAND]

Christmas time, lots of things to wrap
The house is filled with Christmas crap!...
Like socks by the fire and balls on your tree
And soon, the wife won't be speaking to me
(Silent nights...holy tights)

Oh I'm pleased it isn't Christmas, every da-ay
Cos the in-laws come and I want to run, awa-a-ay
Yes I'm pleased it isn't Christmas every da-ay
Don't let the Bells (whisky), run out, this Christmas..
When my cash is very low..and I've got nowhere to go

Frosty the snowman, drinks in metric, with his mate
They go out for just a pint or 2
But end up with 7 or 8
Last Christmas Frosty, missed the last bus home, you see
When he got back, Mrs. Frosty, made him wear the Christmas tree

Last Christmas, I beat you at darts
So the very next day, you blew me away
You think, you're gorgeous and cool
But I reckon you're nowt special

What will you're daddy do
When the bairn tells other kids
There's no Santa Claus, a ha a a ha

My mother-in-law is frightening
I wish she'd get struck, by lightning
I'd like to bury her, she knows,
In the snow, in the snow, in the snow

Rudolf the red nosed reindeer
Has a very shiny nose
That's cos he drinks in litres
When he's in the Cooper Rose
And all the other reindeer
They get in the "Cooper" too
Thet're on the lash with Rudolf
Locking antlers by the loo

Do you ever wish, the family hadn't been
Cos you'd rather watch a film than "The Queen"
Does your granny always tell you
That you ought to be well dressed
So she's bought you a balaclava...and a vest

So here it is, Merry Christmas
Ev'rybody's head is done.....
IN, cos the shops are crammed
The nightmare's just be-gu-u-un...........