(Guitar intro, football crowd noise...)

Drop that whistle, please don't blow it,
We know football's rough without it--
Hey, uniform's geeky,
All the signs, somehow, caused me to doubt it...

Listen!

Decked out like the refs on TV, Davey,
You're perceived as a wannabe dweeb!

But jeez! You don't
have
to dress like a referee!!
("Don't have to dress like a referee...")

Somewhere, somehow,
Some hottie must’ve
messed with your head some!
Who knows why she said, "Hey, there,
Devil, do you look handsome..."

Funny,

Ever since you moved in with me, lately,
People laugh at you uncomfortably!

See, you don't
have
to dress like a referee!!
("Don't have to dress like a referee...")

Oh, no! You don't
have
to dress like a referee!!
("Don't have to dress like a referee...")

Yo!

Davey, haven't you learned?
I'm even hearing that your mother's concerned...
Hand signals seem coooool to you, but
You walk down the street you're gonna really be screeeeeeewed!

(Trombone solo)

Dumb scabs, called fouls,
Damn rookies tossin' flags, couldn't stand 'em...
Who knows? Maybe you were bitch-slapped,
knocked down, developed a weird kind of fandom...?

Honest,

I can't put this flatteringly, Davey--
I'm your roommate number seventy-three, gee!

You don't
have
to dress like a referee!!
("Don't have to dress like a referee...")

No, you don’t
have
to dress like a referee!!
("Don't have to dress like a referee...")

D, you don’t
have
to dress like a referee!!
("Don't have to dress like a referee...")
Oh! No! NO!

(7 whistles blowing simultaneously...crowds groaning...)