Well, I'm sitting on the seat
And I'm staring at my feet
And the pain that's in my colon just won't be gone
And the cheese I started on
Seems to be what made things wrong
So I sit here and I write this song

I'd sell my soul to lose this constipation
Now a member of toilet seat nation
Strain and wince at the pain all around
Sit down and what the hey?
Just like yesterday
Then look to the sky and say
I won't go poo again!


(Instrumental break with strained sounds)


The flow, it just won't come
No matter what I've done
It's not liberated from my butt at all
And my gut feels just the same
All wrenched up with pain
Cause bananas were on sale down at the store

I'd sell my soul to lose this constipation
Now a member of toilet seat nation
Strain and wince at the pain all around
Sit down and what the hey?
Just like yesterday
Then look to the sky and say
I won't go poo again!
No, no!


(Another pain-wracked instrumental)


Well, I just don't think this is really all that nice
Just because I went and ate that rice
If I ever go is just a rolling of the dice
My sphincter feels like it must be lined with ice
Is it?


(Even more pained instrumental)


I'm still here on the seat
And no difference felt by me
And my colon's still backed up, why oh why?
And the straining to the left
Is now straining to the right
And I probably will be here overnight


I'd sell my soul to lose this constipation
Now a member of toilet seat nation
Strain and wince at the pain all around
Sit down and what the hey?
Just like yesterday
Then look to the sky and say
I won't go poo again!
Won't go poo again!
No, no!

(pain-wracked instrumental, this time leading up to...)

YAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

Try the new cheese!
Get me some prunes please!