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Song Parodies -> "I Only Want To Be A Jew"

Original Song Title:

"I Only Want To Be With You"

Original Performer:

The Tourists

Parody Song Title:

"I Only Want To Be A Jew"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

As it happens, I'm half Jewish by inheritance, but (as regular readers of my parodies will have realized long ago) not exactly religious about it.. but hey, maybe I've some catching up to do...
When I was young I never really gave a damn
Whether I was of the line of Abraham
But I've started thinking it could be fun
If it turned out that I was a God's chosen one
And understood Hebrew
And so I want to be a Jew

I want to be authentic when I say "Oy vey"
And being Jewish has to be the only way
So I stuck a kipper upon my head
No yamulke, but rather a smoked fish instead
I've lots to learn, it's true
I really want to be a Jew

When Rosh Hashana comes,
I'll master that seder talk
But I made such an error when
I asked for Kosher pork

So Shalom, honey

I must read the Torah as I'm sure you knew
A Tora! Tora! Tora! video won't do
I tried matzor-ella, but that weren't right
When I lit the menorah, set my house alight
It's crazy but it's true
I only want to be a Jew

I found a synagogue, and went inside to pray
But then the rabbi told me that
First I would have to pay...

Mazel tov, Rabbi

Didn't know it cost so much to be a Jew
And circumcision - I'll passover that one, too
I missed my bah mitzvah, I missed my briss
(I've had a little tip-off says *THAT* won't be bliss)
I've change my mind anew
No longer want to be a Jew

It's not for me, thank you
Don't really,
Don't really,
Don't really,
Don't really,
Don't really want to be a Jew

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 4.9
Overall Rating: 4.9

Total Votes: 18

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   17

User Comments

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Susanna Viljanen - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
Oi vey, what a parody! You certainly are no shmendrik but have khutzpe enough to write such nice song. Fives - le-chaim!
Leo Keough - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
metaphorsbwithu - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
What a great testament to your imagination and talent! Hysterical! Three pentateuchs to you!
AFW - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
I cannot compliment "Jew" enough...
David Sari - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
Is TOS a cover of a Dusty Springfield classic? If so, then I like the original original better. I sang this one to that version and saw that it was perfectly paced, and I will award you with a 5.5.5 vote.
Old Man Ribber - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
There's no people like Chosen People! Here's three 5s...I can get them wholesale. ;D
Timmy1000 - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
pretty funny and matches OS well. I liked the passover line - hahah
Yasha-Hyphen - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
oyVery funny Phil with TMGLTMench'in!
Fiddlegirl - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
What Leo and Yasha (ha!) said... Yiddish-ed it out with great flair!
Jesse Jackson - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
No, you don't. They're a bunch of .... (grabs mike away from Rev. (?) Jackson)

Best: Tora, matzorella. The briss may be a downside, but at least you get to schtup. Would never have guessed, Phil. I'm more in line with your actual belief system, as aforementioned, but super-funny write. So for this purpose, sign me:
Torah Turtle
DJ Blaze - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
You're part Jewish? Wow, that's the second half-Jew on this site! (The first was Silver Power.) 555
Guy - September 02, 2009 - Report this comment
Philbo - this is better than happy hour at "The Bar Mitzvah". Fave line was about the passover of that old circumcision. Well done. And vat I should give ya fives or sumtin?
Tommy Turtle - September 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Phil, if you're half-Jewish, shouldn't you have been half-circumcised? (Hemicized?) .... Inquiring minds want to know... That would be interesting -- sort of. :-)
I guess they'd leave you your twoskin. Just seder word... ... Do you do four days of Hannukah? I always envied the Jewish kids who got *both* Christmas and Hanukkah gifts!

Change of topic for a cheap plug that might be of interest: I believe you're at least half-British as well, right? :) The patriarch of the Kennedy dynasty in the US, Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr. (father of JFK, RFK, and Mary Jo Kopechne's killer , the much-too-recently deceased Teddy K. , was firmly opposed to the US aiding Britain at the start of WWII; argued against Churchill and in favor of Chamberlain, tried to meet mit der Fuhrer himself, and said "Democracy is dead in England anyway". He also supported the Nazi policy toward Jews. (i. e. kill them, just do it more quietly.).

Lots more fascinating/disgusting stuff on the guy who fathered two Senators, a President, and an Attorney General at our parody,
If you don't want to read all the footnotes -- don't blame you -- or even the parody itself, just check out footnotes 6, 7, and 8. I imagine you'll be as disgusted as we were. Cheers!
Phil Alexander - September 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Wow.. what a reception. Thank you very much, already. Mazel tov

Susannah - I was going to use "chutzpah" (or however else you want to spell it) in this, but as I plan to perform the song, I didn't think it would be fair to cover the front row of the audience in spittle

metaphorsbwithu - three pentateuchs? That is pretty much Torah! Torah! Torah!, isn't it?

AFW - yes you can: you just did ;-)

David Sari - yes, it is a cover of the Dusty Springfield song, but The Tourists got it to number one over here while I was at school, so that's the version I always knew

DJ Blaze - my father's side of the family, yes. I'm sure there's a few more around, but unless a suitable parody idea comes up you'd never know, would you?

Guy - that line was a bit of a cheat: it's too late for me. What I want to know is if I were to convert from Judaism, could I get it back?

TT - "twoskin" :-) I'm fully British, albeit with fairly mixed heredity (born here, but grandparents from Poland, Russia and Germany as well as England). Will toddle over and have a look at the parody now.
FG @ TT - September 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Phil is hemi-sized? (!!!) That's the way rumors get started, you know... ;)
Phil Alexander - September 03, 2009 - Report this comment
FG - I think TT meant I'm circum..spect
Mark Scotti - September 03, 2009 - Report this comment
You gave it away, Oi vey!! But here's fives coming your way.
John Barry - September 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Du bist ein Parodymensch.
TT @ PA & FG - September 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Phil -- responded to your comment at JPK, Sr., should you have a moment and the desire.
btw, you don't want to be Phil Spect(or), trust me! :)

Fiddlegirl: That rumor could go in two completely opposite directions, depending on whether you're referring to the famous Plymouth-Dodge 426 cu. in. engine or the very brief musical note. See how ambiguous it is when one like yourself has such a versatile background? :D xoxo
Christie Marie M - September 03, 2009 - Report this comment
That's a good one, Phil! This parody reminds me of Adam Sandler's "Chanukah" song! Well, I'm not Jewish, but my fave Hebrew songs are the "Dreidel Song" for Chanukah. Well, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is coming up this month! I got Jewish classmates and coworkers who take days off for those days. Anyways, here's 5 Dreidels, 5 Menorahs, and 5 Tallits (prayer shawls). A Shalom, Hava Nagila, and Mazel Tov to you! Oh, I almost forgot the Ketubah! My cousin married somebody Jewish and I love the part where they break glass and lifted chairs while sitting on them!
UnKnownVotress - September 04, 2009 - Report this comment
it's interesting Sir Phil, that LIEV is half hewbrew, too . . . and he married Aswesome-Aussie, Naomi !
TJC - January 05, 2019 - Report this comment
Sorry I'm a decade (?!?) late to the party, but AWESOME stuff to one of my fav OSs. Phil, you never fail to deliver the tops in funny! Longing every so often for the days when AIR wasn't so screwed up/toxic---but there's no cure in 'site'

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