Why do I never sell a vacuum
When I'm knocking at your door
With a hundred million models
That are rated best in store

And when they suck the dirt around you
There is nothing you must sweep
In a world of dust pollution
That is swirling ankle deep

Why do I never sell a vacuum
When I'm knocking at your door
You know that cash is no requirement
That's what a credit card is for

It's not the way that you pay it
When you buy this thing from me
It's more the way my commission
Is deducted from the fee

And when I stop and demonstrate it
You won't believe the roar
When all the suction in this baby
Is cleaning up your floor

I'm looking for a sucker on my route
I mean, a lovely customer on my route
And if I could score, just one purchase more
A signature from you
A simple "X" would do

Between the clamor of the rollers
And the swelling of the bag
There is a force that is sucking
All the rat poop from this shag

But if your look is a warning
That I won't make a sale
I'll curse the day of your borning
You bloated, dog-faced whale

I'm looking for a sucker on my route
I mean, a lovely customer on my route
And if you'd let me, demonstrate for free
This thing you really need
You'd gladly purchase two
And vacuum till you're blue
A handle in each paw
To suck your carpet raw

It's not the way that you pay it
When you buy this thing today
It's more the way that I unload it
And then make my getaway

Why do you never buy a vacuum
When you're lurking at your door
With a hundred million cooties
That are crawling on your floor

As they coagulate around you
Like a giant cootie queen
With a slimy exo-casing
That's a sickly, squirming green

Why do I never sell a vacuum
When I'm knocking at your door