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Song Parodies -> "You Can't Buy A Dildo In Texas"

Original Song Title:

"The Last Dance"

Original Performer:

The Goodies

Parody Song Title:

"You Can't Buy A Dildo In Texas"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

This wasn't really written as a parody to "The Last Dance", but as a 3/4 C&W sort of tune that just happened to fit. As a news story, it's rather old, but was only pointed out to me recently. Anyway, don't worry about knowing the song, just pretend you're Dolly Parton and ad lib a tune at the top of your voice
You can't buy a dildo in Texas
It's worse than a crime, it's a sin
Ain't nothing more heinous
Than a puh-lastic paynus
'Cept maybe to use the real thing

In Noo York, it isn't illegal
They use 'em there all of the time
So if you really must make it
Make sure that you take it
All the way 'cross the state line

Why'd they hate a
Come on now, is it really that hard?
If what you use for release is
A penile prosthesis
Better stay well on your guard

I'm told they ain't sold in the White House
But not 'cause it's ay-gainst the law
But unlike ol' Bill
George Dubya Bush will
Not know what to use the thing for

You could argue, to try and convince 'em
Make 'em love that thing that they hate
And if you so endeavour
You might all come together
Work it out in one big mass debate


If the policemen done catch you
Get you wrigglin' right there on their hook
You may get off, it's true
(And they might do, too)
If you don't mind just lettin' 'em look

And when you're in the dock in the courtroom
It still may not be too late
Tell them it's a phone
With a broken ringtone
So you set the switch to "Vahbrate"

No it ain't a
If you reckon it is, I'm a goner
But I'm sure you'll agree this
Ain't no wee prosthesis
You can try it yourself, Your Honour
Your Honour
Your Honour

Your Vote & Comment Counts

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   10

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Ravyn Rant - May 10, 2005 - Report this comment
Can I vote twice? 555 for the parody, and another 555 for it being a Goodies parody? It's 7:00 AM where I am and this is the third time today that someone's made my morning - I think that's a new record!
Rick C - May 10, 2005 - Report this comment
Hysterical! 555
Kristof Robertson - May 10, 2005 - Report this comment never fail to impress me. 555
Rick D - May 10, 2005 - Report this comment
You can't buy one IN Texas, but you can elect one FROM Texas
John Barry - May 10, 2005 - Report this comment
Actually, you can buy two: president and House majority leader. 5s
AFW - May 10, 2005 - Report this comment
This parody's legal in's the real thing.
Phil Alexander - May 10, 2005 - Report this comment
Wow... I was expecting hardly a vote, given that The Goodies probably aren't the music everyone's got on their CD player. But I suppose that the title's fairly, er, provocative (sorry, Chucky) and you don't *really* need to know the tune. I'll probably record this one, when I get a decent sound card in this PC - I reckon it's one to play live, too.
Kristof - the feeling's mutual
Rick D & John - :-)

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