I appreciate a good "holey" night...
But this chimney hole's much too tight;
You leave milk and cookies out on a plate,
Then expect Santa to manage his weight?
Brownies to the left of me, shortbread to the right:
Here I am, stuck in this little-bit flue...

It's midnight here in Taipei,
And by noon here, I'm due in L.A.;
But ol' Santa Claus ain't comin' to town...
Unless 'Crisco' Kringle finds his way down...
Due to the heft of me, I'm stuck good and tight -
I'll be jammed up 'til I'm flung from this flue...

If I grab onto my sleigh,
and tell my crew to fly away - that might help...
Deer, Santa needs a pull,
cause his belly's overfull
So please free-ee me-ee-ee... free-ee me-ee-ee-ee...

[musical winterlude]

Not again will Santa go through this hell,
So next year, I'm gonna jingle your bell;
Sure, a doorbell lacks a certain mystique,
But a silent night would take us all week;
Chimneys now are dead to me - not for fear of heights -
Just get crammed, stuck into little-bit flues...

But right now, if Santa can't get unstuck,
Lots of kiddies will be shit outta luck;
I don't care if they've been naughty or nice -
Cause their goodies got me stuck in this vice;
If there was less of me, I could catch my flight,
But hot damn, I'm still here stuck in this flue!

If I take a deep inhale,
and get a hold of Comet's tail - that might work...
I'll suck down to extra large,
so once Rudolf leads the charge,
I'll be free-ee-ee-ee-ee... whee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

[whimsical winterlude]

So next year, I'll be avoiding this mess:
I'll just buzz you when I reach your address;
To make sure that Santa won't be too squashed
I may enter through your two-car garage;
Snacks should be left for me - I'll eat every bite -
No more squeezin' through these little-bit flues...
I'm done with little-bit flues...
I'm done with little-bit flues...
I'm done with little-bit flues...