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Song Parodies -> "Hemi-Beers"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:


Parody Written by:

Dr. Oliver Clozoff

The Lyrics

I. Prelude

When the beery wort was young
The struggle of brewmeisters first began
The gods of Hops and Barley
Sought alone to rule the brewing plan

They battled through brew stages
But still neither force would yield
The beer geeks were divided
On which beer type most appealed

II. Barley: Bringer of Malt

"I bring malt and sweety goodness,
I bring notes of date and fig,
Doppelbocks I know you'll dig.
Try out this nice English brown ale,
Here's a milk stout, take a swig.
I will find you quads and dubbels
Sweet beer styles to keep you warm
Craft beers far above the norm
You can cellar these for long years
Store from cool to just lukewarm"

The beer geeks were delighted
Coming forth to score some brews
They ran to fill their bellies
And to drop Ratebeer reviews
But one day the pubs fell silent,
Yet they knew not what was wrong
The malt beers were too cloying
The sweetness, just too strong
The cicerones were consulted
And the Fridge set to defrost
In quest of Three Floyds Dreadnaught
To find out what they had lost

III. Dreadnaught: Bringer of Hops

"I bring hops to tweak your tastebuds
With a sharp and bitter bite,
Such a tart floral delight
You need only trust your senses
Only hops can steer you right
I bring drafts of Russian River
I bring joyful hoppy cheers
I will score you Pliny beers
Give up those malty sweet things
IPAs are without peers"

The sweet beers were abandoned,
And the IPAs uncapped
They drank and smelled like hipsters
As more and more kegs were tapped
Bitter beers they had aplenty
And they frequented the bars
The beer geeks were contented
And the Gods watched from afar
But Thanksgiving feast approached them
And their beers were poorly paired
Begging for some stouts and porters
And the hop heads all despaired

IV. Epic Beeramid Cage Match: Hops vs. Malt

The universe divided
As the Hops and Malt collided,
With beer geeks inebri-ided
For so many troubled years
In a cloud of shouts and sneers
Their world was torn asunder into hollow hemi-beers

Some brewed some stout, some brewed some lager
Most just belched at one another
Drunk and bloated like their brothers
For their guts were full of beer
And some wings would not appear
Their spirits were provided in some kind of beer ball sphere

Some who did not brew
Recalled a thing or two
About a certain guru
With supreme beer-fu
To the heart of this beer knowledge source
We set our course
But stopped by Whataburger place
To first feed our face

V. Smugness: Bringer of Balance

I'm hungover, with impairness
But I have to wake this morn
As my bladder's near exploding
And my stomach starts to warn
I have stumbled into bathroom
And thrown up some ales of old
They were Dogfish Head Immort Ales
That I could no longer hold

I hear the posers' battle rage on high
Hops and barley, wheat and rye
I cannot move, I cannot hide
I feel a violent fart expand inside

Then all at once, a trumpet blast
A stillness fell, the worst had passed
The warriors heard me let one fly
And took a sniff that made them cry

Barley, he did admonish
Three Floyds Dreadnaught got real mad
But they heard my story further
As I chundered once more, bad

Looking down our long noses
On world macro-domineered
Craft market splintered
Into sorry Hemi-beers

They sat a while in silence
Then they turned at last to me:
"We will call you Smugness,
Beer Snob of Balance you shall be."

VI. The Beer: A Kind of Dream

We can lager cold together
If our brewing plans both match
We can mash alone and free
If we each brew a different batch
Let the bitter beers be sweetened
And vice-versa, to be clear,
Drinkability, plus pretense and snobbery,
With the Hops and Malt united in a single... perfect... Beer.
Copyright (C) 2022 by Dr. Oliver Clozoff. All rights reserved.

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 15

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 5   15

User Comments

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Andy Primus - November 07, 2022 - Report this comment
Quite the epic. Fits the OS well. Grew up with this era of Rush so know it well. I like a good beer parody. Glad milk stout got a mention. It’s a fave of mine. Laughed at part V, we’ve all been there. What’s for side 2? You could kick it off with “Drunken Dances”.

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