I had nothing to do,
'Cept to bag up some poop,
And set fire to it up on your porch.
I know that you don't know me well,
But I rang your bell,
Your shoe will stink, & then it will scorch!
And you run like hell,
A clever old gag, but it works all the time!

I couldn't afford shop thriftin'.
And I went shop liftin',
So I wouldn't have to pay for my clothes.
He said, "Security!",
When he walked up to me,
Then I punched that feller right in the nose!
And you run like hell,
Maybe next time, I'll have to pay the fine!

I remember them days in school,
I tried to be so cool,
But I came off looking more like a putz.
The bullies tried to pick on me,
So I had to flee,
When I kicked that big one right in the nuts!
And you run like hell,
Rarely get caught, if you practice a lot!

'Cause I ain't forgettin' that you done me wrong,
And I'm talking about you in this stupid old song,
Now I'm running my ass off,
Trying to get away from you!

I've run so long,
It's like a bad marathon.

I wanna write about the bridal gown,
That I bought marked down,
And wore with high heels on a Halloween night.
You know that I can't really say,
How many guys there were gay,
But they kept on scratchin' at my pink tights!
And they run like hell,
That slut Madonna's got nuthin' on me!

Now when I answer my door,
There's flaming poop on the floor,
And some kid will kick me right in the crotch.
I really must confess,
If he's wearin' a dress,
It ties my panties all up in knots!
And I run like hell,
I have no respect for such a pain in the neck.

'Cause I ain't forgetting that I was once him,
And I pulled a lot of crazy stunts on a whim,
Now I'm running my ass off,
Because my balls are turning blue!

Don't be such a pest,
And give me back my frilly dress.

I've run so long,
It's like a bad funny song.