I thought I’d study parenting
I wanted to do well
The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom
Was the book that rang my bell
I looked down at my baby boy
Crawling on the floor
He was too young to understand it
But now I wanted more

So I snatched away his teddy
And looked at him and smiled
And I said
“Okay, I’m an uptight, tough tiger mother
Make me proud my stand-out child”

I made him learn piano
Soon as he could reach the stool
And I gave him homework
Long before he started school
No tv or computers
He didn’t get weekends
He didn’t really need them
‘Cause I stopped him having friends

I made him stand in rainstorms
Each time he got riled
Was an uptight, tough tiger mother
To my learned-up, geeky child

Well the teenage years were rocky
He was starting to rebel
Told him if he didn’t toe the line
I’d make his life pure hell
Vetoed having girlfriends
Then I banned him from school plays
And yelled at him and called him names
When he didn’t get straight A’s

Then I told him “You’re a failure,
And that just drives me wild -
This uptight, tough tiger mother
Has a bummed-out, deadbeat child!”

And then he said he’d got a job
But he wouldn’t say much more
I followed him to Soho*
Through a burlesque club back door
Then they started up the music
And he burst into song
And gyrated round a pole
In a tight gold sequinned thong!

Is this the way he thanks me?
I lost my rag and asked why
He said ”Why?
“You’re my uptight, tough tiger mother
I’m your burned-out browbeat child”

“Don’t be uptight, tough tiger mother
At your buns-out, show-sweet child!”