PLOP!
___________________________
(The little brat sings:)
Plop!
My foot's in the snow!
Take my galoshes off and drink cocoa
But now I'm stuck going to church
"Cause I "m "sposed to know
Just why do we have Christmastime?


THE NATIVITY
________________________________________
(The church doors creak open as latecomers to the pageant walk to their pews to view the simply made set design at the front of the church, made to look like Bethlehem of 2005 years ago. The SAGES, four men costumed in beards and flowing robes enter the stage area and approach a distracted KING HEROD. Herod's SENTRY knocks his staff on the floor twice to grab HEROD's attention. He turns, and THE HEAD SAGE sings: )
Good morning, dear King Herod
The sages want to let you know
A prophecy some day will destroy you
In our town, there's a Messiah!
A Messiah of a most beatific nature

(HEROD:)This will not do!
Slay all the newborns!

(Meanwhile, houselights switch to the other side of the stage where the INNKEEPER speaks to JOSEPH and a very pregnant MARY:)
I'm sorry, sir, but there is no room
Here at my inn, dear brother
If I had my way, I could find for you
Our honeymooning suite
But my hands are tied
There's room in the broom closet—
Or how about the stable?
Check out time is 9 AM

(MARY is suddenly overcome by either a vision or labor pains, and sings:)
Glory, God in the highest, sing of glory!
That's what I'm hearing!

(JOSEPH:) My darling wife is in a most miraculous way!

(JOSEPH & MARY:) Glory, God in the highest, sing of glory

(Houselights fade and come up on the other side of the stage, where three wisemen riding on fake animals are camped and looking slightly glum. One of them, GASPAR, approaches the audience sotto voce:)
Well, here we sit, this is it now
Riding on camel and donkey
And we have brought, you see, gold, frankincense and myrrh

(OTHER WISEMEN, sarcastically:) Ho-ho!

(GASPAR:) We've been riding "round the whole day
Have you all seen any bright stars lately?
We three kings just want to honor a newly born son

(In the rear of the church, shepherds approach the stage front, accompanied by their live sheep. The NARRATOR steps in to begin comment on the action:)

(SHEEP:) BAAAAAAHHHHhhhh!
(NARRATOR:) There were shepherds gaily tending to their wooly flock

(a bright light suddenly shines from the ceiling, revealing an ANGEL)
The Lord's light came upon them
And they thought they were in trouble
But the angel told them sweetly,

(ANGEL:) Pass this news on when ye get ye home,
Baby, God's son has been born, it's a baby
Tell all that ye know

(NARRATOR:) Then came a multitude of allvoices of heaven
(More ANGELS appear and sing:) Glory, God in the highest, sing of glory!

(NARRATOR sings as the assembled characters are gathered on the church stage, eventually coming together in tableau as the scene of The Nativity:)
Though the evidence of the story is
Somewhat apocryphal, there's no need for any brimstone and fire
You may think I am fudging, or my theology is poor
Or you may think that I'll be struck down
With the harshest of His law
Just enjoy this picture
Of Joe and the Virgin Mother
I have no urge to pontificate!
Come dear friends, come revel with Cokes and beer
And sing along with the song you've known for all these years!
JOY TO THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!

(All the cast starts singing/chanting "Joy To The World" repeatedly, the assembled multitude joins in, and then [at great expense] the Mormon Tabernacle choir walks in and takes up all available space in the church as the chanting continues, building in frenzy while the Pastor and choir boys serve cold Cokes for the kids and Budweiser for the adults—it is a progressive church, obviously. The assembled now chant "Joy To The World" so vigorously, so boisterously, and with spiritual fervor, the walls of the church begin to crack, crumble, and the whole building finally rips apart, but not on the assembled multitude, but out of the way, onto the outside lawn, and all that remains standing are the people, and none are injured. HALLEJUAH!!)