THE NORTH SIDE OF THE POLE

2.A.
CARDIAC TIME
(To "Time")

Packing away the food and the fudge and the fruitcake
Feeding your face like a Carnival cruise buffayeeay
Washing it down with some rum you found at the FoodTown
Eggnog is great if you make it my granddaddy's wayeeay

Tired of dodging carbohydrates
'Tis the season; have a taste
Hey the neighbors brought it by, how
Rude to let it go to waste
Then Boxing Day you find
You've got a huge behind, you
Know restraint's no effing fun
You'll get some lipo done

[Snack break]

You don't run very far - at least there's a spa you're paying
Raises your pulse to scope out the spandexy babes
You think with dismay what your relatives weigh, plus you're older
Short for your weight - and one pound closer to freight

Every year you're getting larger
Never seem to exercise
Hoping that you'll find someone who
Digs your Brontosaurus thighs
Pigging out on candy decorations is the Christmas way
The diet's toast
The year is over
Start again on New Year's Day


2.B.
DUDE, WHERE'S MY SLEIGH?
(To "Breathe Reprise")

Stoned
Stoned again
Just me and Pink Floyd in my van
When my elves have got me wired
It's good to light my pipe and play retired

Far away from Mrs. Claus
And lists of kids with conduct flaws
Parked beyond the Polar rails
I must escape those freakin' jingle bells


2.C.
CRIKEY! NO WHITE CHRISTMAS IN THE OUTBACK, MATE!
(To "The Great Gig in the Sky")

[This bit performed by the Australian Pink Floyd Show]

[An Aussie lad, Stuart, mumbles something about not being afraid of Funnel Spiders. He then wails for three and a half solid minutes at the injustice of Christmas falling in the entirely wrong season, rendering Santa's sleigh utterly useless Down Under. It's quite heartbreaking, actually.]