[Burp]
I won’t eat foodstuffs unidentified
Weird substitutions I cannot abide
The stuff that you bought was all preservative-fraught
Real mayonnaise** deserves my praise but this does not, hey, hey

[’Wiches]
I spent the evenin’ at the new Costco®
I looked for mayonnaise** both high and low
But I made a slip: I brought home Miracle Whip®
I know I goofed, my love; I’ll make another trip, hey, hey

[Chorus - Both]
Real mayonnaise* and it tastes so good
Real mayonnaise just like mayonnaise should
There’s one perfect spread
We love to put on our bread
We’ll stick together always with our real mayonnaise, hey, hey

[’Wiches]
I was preparin’ you a BLT
The Hellman’s® jar was bare as bare can be
I dashed to Sam’s Club® and bought a five-gallon tub
That oughta be enough for a week’s worth of grub, hey, hey

[Burp]
It bears repeatin’, therefore, I’ll rephrase
I can’t eat nothin’ without mayonnaise**
That one condiment is just the best complement
For all my favorite foods; there is no argument, hey, hey

[Chorus - Both]
Real mayonnaise and it tastes so good
Real mayonnaise mixed with Underwood®***
It doesn’t have legs
’Cuz it’s just oil and eggs
Still we sing on the airways about real mayonnaise, hey, hey

Yeah, yeah, yeah
A-i-o-li

[Burp] Doctor, doctor, it is not your call
[’Wiches] Could not care less about cholesterol
[Burp] You’ve got your ways
[’Wiches] And I have got mine
[Both] So stick your SunnyD® someplace the sun don’t shine, hey, hey

[Chorus - Both]
Real mayonnaise on the walls and floors
Real mayonnaise oozin’ from our pores
Arterial plaque?
Increased risk of heart attack?
No, nothin’ on my mind weighs quite like real mayonnaise, hey, hey

----------------------------------

* In both the title and the choruses, “(real) mayonnaise” is pronounced: (REE-ul) MAN-aze
** In the verses, “mayonnaise” is enunciated with 3 syllables: MAY-oh-NAZE (and “real” is just one syllable)
*** The canned meat product, not the singer (I am told these are different things)