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Song Parodies -> "50 Ways to Lose Your Luggage"

Original Song Title:

"50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"

Original Performer:

Paul Simon

Parody Song Title:

"50 Ways to Lose Your Luggage"

Parody Written by:

The Lyrics

The problem is all the new increased securi-ty
That's what the O'Hare baggage service said to me
We think your garment bag's in Knoxville, Tennessee
There must be fifty ways to lose your luggage

I said Again? I must take roomfuls of your files
I sure wish my missing bags received their frequent flyer miles
No doubt they've earned a trip
To the freaking British Isles
With all your fifty ways to lose your luggage
Fifty ways to lose your luggage

Just stiff the skycap, Stapp
Agree to get bumped, Gump
Or ya fly when it's snowy, Chloe
And board in group "C"
Book it online, Klein
Ya don't need to be Einstein!
Just make the crew cross, Abbas
And get your bags lost

Ooh! Stay in the bar, Ingmar
Ignore the whole demo, Anselmo
Ask to sit by me, Jaime
Or try to fly free
Ya face the abyss, Schliss
When you travel at Chriss-miss!
No, don't let this faze ya, Anastasia
Your stuff's in Maaa-laysia


Why must it be the most important stuff they lose?
I wish I'd carried on my suit
And nixed the pills and booze
I thought Well I'll give my speech
In just a pair of shoes
Who'll notice anyways?

I streaked onstage till some po-licemen shouted Halt
And I believe they mentioned something 'bout a sexual assault
And then they cuffed me
But you realize it's really not my fault
It's 'cause there's fifty ways to lose your luggage
Fifty ways to lose your luggage

Just way overpack, Itzhak
Take on a stingray, Yngwie
Or carry a squeegee, Luigi
And say it's for pee
Oh ya shout Ara-bic, Zwick
& It's no frickin' picnic!
Yeah, I've got a feelin', Leland
Your crap's in New Zealand

Change into a Speedo, Guido
Crawl like a tortoise, Lourdes
Tell the pilot to blow me, Naomi
Then hide your I.D.
Pack cans of Raid, Jade
Then run when it's X-rayed!
If they think your stuff's stinky, Twinkie
It's shot to Hellll-sinki


[Fade to strains of "Maamme," the Finnish National Anthem]

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.4
Overall Rating: 4.4

Total Votes: 46

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   4
 2   3
 3   2
 4   9
 5   28

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Johnny D - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
"Tell the pilot to blow me, Naomi" and "Take on a stingray, Yngwie" prove that you have severe brain damage in that part of the cerebral cortex that prevents most people from writing a parody MASTERPIECE (KA-CHING) !
John Barry - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
Robert J. Pagliaro - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
It's the old Henny Youngman joke - I'd like this bag to go to Miami and this bag to go to Dallas - I'm sorry sir, but we don't do that - why not, you did it last week. I recently got strip-searched leaving New Orleans and boy are my arms tired. Oh Spaff dear, any advice today for those of us who aspire to be parody writers? Nice job man.
Tim Mayfield - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
Other than the fact that I pronounce the names different than the rhyme requires, it's great.
Know 1 can hear you dream - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
You deliberately set out to use those 50 names that noone else has used before, didn't you? "Stay in the bar, Ingmar"

Hmm... Take another fly-ahh, Jebediah...
Jeff Reuben - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
Brilliant! As always...
Phil Alexander - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
Very funny, indeed :-)
Rick D - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
Almost everyone that does this one is content to repeat the choruses, just like Paul Simon did. (A gripe I've always had) You took the extra effort to make more funny. As the Brain says to Pinky, "YES"
Ingeborg S. Nordén - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
It's funny because it's true, as the saying goes...and your use of unusual names added to the humor, but threw off the pacing. 4-5-5.
Steven Cavanagh - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
I honour of this excellent parody, I just awarded 5,5,5 to another song :-)
alvin rhodes - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
best one i read today...up to your usual fine standards...5s
Adagio - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
Very unusual rhymes! I liked them! And the whole thing is funny...I like airplane parodies anyway. I'm glad that my home city...Knoxville, Tennessee...was mentioned. 5's
2nz - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
It's alright, I just wait until everyone leaves baggage claim. The airline always provides replacement bags for guys in my situation. Why they always have some foreign lady's name on them is beyond me. Excellent parody, as usual. Nice chorus, nice odd-ball rhymes, and props for being the only person on this site (I'm pretty sure) who could make this work.
Kristof Robertson - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
As 2nz sais, Spaff, only you could really get away with this. Can't give ya 5 for pacing, coz it doesn't scan right, cute and oddball as it may be...but for sheers reckless ballsiness, 5s for the rest! 455
Jack Wilson - January 19, 2005 - Report this comment
That was awesome! 555! - January 20, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanx, Johnglebarry & Jeffaroo & Philbo & scholar rhodes & Jackie!!
Johnny DD: Your Parodayola is on its way. Nothing more for your mastiff, though, because I don't want to be reprimanded for making immature jokes with you.
RJP: Some kids play doctor; I played airport. And WE should be asking YOU for advice; you're the only one here who's made any money off this racket.
Tim Februaryfield: Then I guess you're just gonna hafta change the way you pronounce those names.
K1CHYD: Your idea is sweeter, Peter.
RAD: And yet it's still only about 20 ways. Weren't you the one who pointed out that the original should be called "SEVEN Ways..."?
Stevenagh: I hope it was one of yours.
Patagio: So YOU'RE the one who ended up with my garment bag. You can keep the suit, but I'd really like the leopard-skin thong back.
Looney 2nz: Foreign lady? Louise Vuitton?
Ingeborg and Kristof: I had the choruses completely written with monosyllabic names (e.g., "Board in the rain, Jane") but I scrapped them and started over. Names like Jack and Stan are just nowhere near as fun to rhyme as, say, Ingeborg and Kristof.
Claude Prez - January 20, 2005 - Report this comment
First of all, your past meticulous perfection has earned a lifetime benefit of a doubt on pacing from me -- I know from experience if I think I've found a mistake there's a good reason for it. In this case, the comic genius of using long unusual names necessitates it, plus makes for some fantastic rhymes (Jaime and Leland are among my faves). Since this seems like a great candidate for a recording, hopefully we'll soon hear how well it will work. No need to cry uncle, Garfunkel -- great stuff as always.
Rick D - January 20, 2005 - Report this comment
Yeah, it was me. In my own "Parody", I just listed the fifty ways without even bothering to do the song (Which is a cheat, I know) Hey Spaff. Now that Robert Blake is going on the stand, do you think he'll take a guitar?
Tim Hall - January 20, 2005 - Report this comment
I used to be a skycap at Chicago's O'Hare, so I can relate to this parody. Brilliant!
Patagio - January 20, 2005 - Report this comment
"Patagio: So YOU'RE the one who ended up with my garment bag. You can keep the suit, but I'd really like the leopard-skin thong back." Uh-uh...I'm keeping that little goody. ;)
Stuart McArthur - January 21, 2005 - Report this comment
ah, I loved all of that - those names were just RIDICULOUS!
Jade! LOL!!!
very hilarious - ridiculousness taking itself seriously hits me square in the funny bone every time, Spaff - 555 - January 26, 2005 - Report this comment
It's just a facade, Claude.
It would make the jury sick, Rick.
Good way to meet trim, Tim.
So you'll put on a bod show, Adagio?

Stuartiste: Yep, ridiculous is my middle name. If you don't count Spafford.
DKTOS? - February 02, 2005 - Report this comment
For those who Don't Know The Original Song, it's temporarily available at
Ash - February 03, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM, very funny!
Guy - February 05, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I'm doing some flying on Monday. I'm going to look for that lady with the foreign name that 2nz mentioned and tell her to read this parody. Hope my luggage makes it to the destination when I do.
Scathe - February 08, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Another reason not to fly.
Agrimorfee - February 08, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I finally learned how to say Yngwie J. Malmsteen's name thanks to you.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - February 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) It was the odd names that really got me with this one. And the humorous jokes like the 'frequent flyer miles'.
Oh, and the rhyming genius.
Adagio - February 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) already voted on this funny parody.
Claude Prez - February 11, 2005 - Report this comment
I love it when a great idea falls into the right hands. Bravo again.
Adam Eccleshall - February 12, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Votes now arriving at gate 555.
Kristof Robertson - February 18, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This one's growing on me.....
John Jenkins - February 19, 2005 - Report this comment
Very good parody with an excellent last verse.
Johnny D - February 21, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above.
MysteryGoat - February 27, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) DKTOS--but good read anyway.
Arwen - February 28, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM--I canNOT believe how many WONDERFUL parodies I have missed this month. Sorry for the late arrival, Spaff...I know you've been on the edge of your seat wondering where I've been...=) Very nice...=)
Stuart McArthur - February 28, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM - that "overpack / Itzhak" rhyme is getting a bit tired don't you think Spaff? - can't you step outside the square a little?....anyway, what I said before, you know, brilliant, hilarious etc. - hee hee
Jeff Reuben - February 28, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM--Still excellent
Ethan Mawyer - February 28, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM - what can i say that hasn't already been said?
2nz - March 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Still quality, Mr. Spafford. You make some interesting friends in an airport. 'Single-serving-friends' if my movie quotes do not betray me. Don't listen to me, I stopped doing that a while ago because I could never make sense of myself. Still quality, Mr. Spafford.
JANUARY 2005 SONG OF THE MONTH BRONZE MEDAL - March 02, 2005 - Report this comment;topic=3009.0;id=3856;image - March 14, 2005 - Report this comment
Wow, belated thanks, y'all. This place rocks.
Red Ant - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment
(2005 SOTY) For all the S&G songs I love and have parodied, I had never even heard this one until tonight. Great job varying the choruses, though you did so at the expense of TOSs odd pacing a bit too far for easy singability. 455. And yes I laughed, Spaff (how the obvious compliment wasn't already taken I don't know, though)
Agrimorfee - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTY '06) Yes, the risk of pacing for changing chorus costs this one some points.
Cat - May 02, 2006 - Report this comment
Heh heh, this is still really good several reads afterward. And I'm surprised nobody mentioned this rhyme in reference a certain parodist here..."Don't ya get pissed off, Kristof." - May 16, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanx for stopping by again, Red and Aggro.
Cat: I hope this lid is twist-off. I need to burn this cyst off.
HERE'S ROBERT LUND'S RECORDING - July 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Spoof-Man - July 18, 2007 - Report this comment
Long time no see Spaff, Love the song and it deserves 40 votes...maby 40 more!!
Red Ant - July 20, 2007 - Report this comment
Great recording Spaff! I see most of choruses were rewritten, but they turned out funnier (and better paced =)) than here. Loved the ad-lib Homeland Insecurity spoken bit at the end, too. - July 23, 2007 - Report this comment
Thanx for checking it out, Spoof-Man and Red Ant. My favorite part of the lyrics above is the odd multisyllabic names, but others haven't shared my enthusiasm. So I de-oddified it for Robert Lund's recording, which I gotta say he nailed.

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