"Massaging is well within your grasp," he said to me—
"To pants her is easy if done chiropractically—
I'm trained in 7 major schools of therapy--
There must be
50 ways to knead your lover ..."

"First off, I hope you're not just in this to get screwed...
Anyway--so, let's begin, class,
Everybody get half-nude--
I'll pass the lotion out—
Take a breath as you extrude,
There must be
50 ways to knead your lover;
50 ways to knead your lover:"

"You just grip on her back, Jack;
Squeeze her two hams, Sam;
You don't use any spoiled oil—
Well, obviously!
Work on her spine, Ryan;
If she's prone or she's supine
Just feel that release, Reese,
And give yourselves peace!"

"Objective One is to relieve both stress and pain;
It's been proved, touch therapy causes subtle changes in the brain..."
I raised my glistening hand
And asked him to explain
About the 50 ways...

"Why don't you to practice on each other's backs tonight—
But here's a warning for your girlfriend or your wife:
'Babe, if you fist me, you must realize
I'll punch out both your lights...'
There must be
Better ways to knead your lover;
Niftier ways to knead your lover..."

"So just pull off her tights, Dwight;
Loosen her bra, Pa;
You don't need any shorts, Sport;
Dress casually!
Load on massage cream;
You don't need to make her scream—
Just slap on the grease, Reese,
And give yourselves peace!

Yeah, try petrissage, Raj!
Shiatsu is cool, Jules!
Go Swedish or Rolf, Dolph!
Myofascial release!
Coat her with oil, Hoyle!
But don't wrap her in tin foil!
Just heat up a towel, Howell,
And give yourselves peace!

Find where it throbs, Bob.....