"The problem's all to do with church," she said to me,
"The answer is easy, if you're not fussed, spiritually,
Can I explain the use of the holy guarantee?
There must be fifty ways to be a Christian

She said, "Imagine the good image you'll exude
Furthermore, all those church dinners can lead to much free food
And the raucous types you can easily exclude
There must be fifty ways to be a Christian
Fifty ways to be a Christian

You just a slip a few bills, Will
Make a fruit flan, Stan
Become an altar boy, Roy
And act like a clone
Heavenly smile, Giles,
Go walking up church aisles
Just throw us a bone, Joan
And get yourself known

Sing all the hymns, Jim
Sit in a pew, Lou,
You can mutter with joy, Roy
And fall on the floor
Serve us the tea, Lee
Be a sound-desk trainee
Just get a rapport, Dor
Who could ask more?"

He said, "It's easy and it doesn't take much pain,
But it seems that all these little chores will just be done in vain.
And I'll illuminate that - so please let me explain
About the fifty ways."

He said, "If you want to be seen for doing right
Well it's great, but there's more to it, if you're fighting the good fight
Cause God is holy - and I'm hoping that you will see the light
There must be fifty ways to be a Christian
Fifty ways to be a Christian.

Go healing the sick, Dick,
Give to the poor, Dor,
Turn the other cheek, Zeke,
Show mercy mild
Give up the grudge, Judd,
Start living in God's love,
So love all your foes, Rose
And be like a child

Knock on the door, Maur,
Call and I'll know, Joe
Don't just pretend, Ben
But listen to me
You're never alone, Joan
You've always been known
So call out to me, Lee,
And I'll make you free."