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Song Parodies -> "Fifteen Ways to Kill a Sniper"

Original Song Title:

"Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover"

Original Performer:

Paul Simon

Parody Song Title:

"Fifteen Ways to Kill a Sniper"

Parody Written by:

Robert D. Arndt Jr.

The Lyrics

PTO. US Marine vs Japanese sniper in a tree on an island in the South Pacific ...
Bullets flying right beside your head
Down from a tree
The response is easy if you
Address it tactically
So you're stuck in a f-cking jungle
US Marine
There must be fifteen ways
To kill a sniper...

Jumping islands just like rabbits
The prelude
From shore-to-shore, Japs not retreating
Puts them in the foulest moods
In a hell hole by myself
Low on ammo and on food
There must be fifteen ways
To kill a sniper
Fifteen ways to kill a sniper...

So I get on the horn, and here are some replies:

Mount a counterattack, Jack
Use the "Snooperscope", dope
Try the rifle grenades, saved
Flamethrower the tree
Discharge your M-1, son
Or the M-3 Grease Gun
Mortar that tree, see
And kill that Japanese!!!

He had me pinned so low
Then it started to rain
I wish there was something I could do
His Arisaka fired again
Pinged my helmet, that was that
Laid low in this sh-tty terrain
Plotting my escape...

Within minutes I was soaked
Crawled on my belly to my right
Couldn't believe what I was seeing
It was a M41 all right
And then it hit me
So I grabbed it and held on tight
There's only ONE way to kill this sniper
20 box, pulled the lever
Aimed it up and pulled the trigger


(A scream in the tree, a body falling)

The sound of the radio again nearby:

Get 'im with a BAR, Jar(head)
1911A softshot
Hit 'im with the "Pipe", right
Phosphor that tree
Call in a tank, son
Plane bomb, (rolls a) quarter ton
Pineapple the tree
Climb, take a knife to his knees!!!

What the hell are they talking about???

It only took ONE way to kill this sniper!!!
Do I really need to list all the US weapons suggested here??? Only the uneducated and ignorant won't know them. I don't feel like babysitting. If you have to ask, then ask...

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 25

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   23

User Comments

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@Snipe Tripe - February 25, 2015 - Report this comment
One of your least miserable parodies. BTW, the most educated and intelligent among us are not necessarily steeped in detailed weapons' identification. That's the province of certain war-loving idiot savants.
Rob Arndt - February 25, 2015 - Report this comment
You mean like the soldiers that fight foreign wars on your behalf and protect your nation? Btw, since most of the above weapons are from WW2, they fall under general knowledge.
Rob Arndt - February 25, 2015 - Report this comment
Weapons by type: .45 M1911A1, .30 M1 Garand, Snooperscope (aka Superscope) IR sight for .30 M3, .30 Browning Automatic Rifle, 6.5mm Arisaka M97 sniper, GM 45 M3 SMG Grease Gun, . 30 Johnson M41 LMG, 60mm M2 mortar, Bazooka 2.36' M1 ( aka Pipe), Mark 11A1 pineapple grenade with rifle adapter, phosphorus grenade, Flamethrower (generic FDS), any type of Allied tank or aircraft (bomb was typically 500 pounder rolled onto tanks, obstacles, and such! And finally, the Raider Mk.4 Marine knife!!!
Patrick - February 25, 2015 - Report this comment
The local John Wayne channel shows "Sands of Iwo Jima" and "In Harm's Way" at least twice a week. Your parody is a reminder that they will be on again next week as well. Where is the Reising M50 or M55?
Rob Arndt - February 25, 2015 - Report this comment
I knew you would bring that up Patrick, but I only had 15 weapon options and already mention the M1, BAR, and M41. I chose the M3 grease gun due to issue and popularity. The Marines got most of the M50 and 55s but combat record was not good despite huge production. It's main drawback was that it had non-interchangeable parts, was costly to manufacture, and didn't function well in bad weather. I also did not use the KA-BAR knife because most Marines used the Raider series.
Jonathan - February 25, 2015 - Report this comment
what's a sniper? ...just kidding! 5's
Patrick - February 26, 2015 - Report this comment
I can only recall seeing Reisings in two movies: "U-501", the story of a US destroyer which captures a German U-Boat, and the Jan Murray crime drama "Day of the Wolf", in which a gang of robbers isolate a small town and rob the bank and the electrical utility company. I had one of the rare Model 60 semi-automatics. Didn't work real well. Sold it before I found out just how rare it was.
Rob Arndt - February 26, 2015 - Report this comment
Patrick, that was "U-571" and "The Day of Wolves." Other films include: "Guadalcanal Diary", "Marine Raiders", "Go for Broke", and "Flags of Our Fathers." TV: "The Pacific" and also as a weapon in the video game Medal of Honor: Pacific Assault!!! (IMFDB)
Rob Arndt - February 26, 2015 - Report this comment
Btw, U-501 a Type VIIc was sunk September 10, 1941 in the Denmark Straight by a RCN ship. 12 lost, 46 saved...

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