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Song Parodies -> "50 Ways To Use A Rubber"

Original Song Title:

"50 Ways To Leave Your Lover"

Original Performer:

Paul Simon

Parody Song Title:

"50 Ways To Use A Rubber"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

The problem is no one shares your bed, you're such a dweeb
You bought all these rubbers to protect from S.T.D.'s
But now they're past the use-by date and getting weak
There must be fifty ways to use those rubbers

You know you're really feeling sad you were refused
Furthermore, your mind is reeling from the cost so underused
But I'll repeat myself, 'cause I'm known for being rude
There must be fifty ways to use old rubbers
Fifty ways to use those rubbers

Ooh, as Popsicle molds, Cole
Hold cigarettes, Chet
You could make a slingshot, Scott
That sure would be neat
Roll onto shoes, Lou
Then they'll never get scuffed up
Just pack some with treats, Pete
To keep 'em all sweet

Ooh, make some balloons, Boone
Hold your loose change, Wayne
You could place on your ears, Keir
Oh, and play make-believe
Keep your weed dry, Ry
You could flush in a drug bust
Apply as dog sleeves, Steve
Though dog would be peeved

There is no need to throw old rubbers down the drain
I wish there was some way I could get that concept through your brain
You said you'd investigate that, then asked me to explain
About the fifty ways

Those things are free of holes, which keeps them watertight
And they can be quite conforming, how they stretch to fit just right
Just think more shrewdly, and you'll come to learn the problem sure is slight
There must be fifty ways to use old rubbers
Fifty ways to use those rubbers

To protect your smartphone, Stone
Hold your keychain, Dane
You keep newspapers dry, Guy
Till ready to read
Oh, to hold your golf balls, Paul
Then replace when your putt's muffed
Hold dough that you knead, Reed
Then store it to freeze

Use to hold snacks, Jack
Place on cat toys, Roy
You hold pencils and pens, Ken
When you're out on a spree
On mantlepiece, Cleese
Fill with goodies till stuffed up
Hang some on the tree, Lee
For Granny to see

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.1
How Funny: 4.1
Overall Rating: 4.1

Total Votes: 16

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   3
 2   0
 3   1
 4   0
 5   12

User Comments

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Peregrin - February 19, 2015 - Report this comment
Hi Leough, Ah, you tricker, and here was I wondering how you were going to write about 'that' and you took it in a whole new direction from the very start. I only hope you didn't have personal inspiration for this parody!
TJC - February 19, 2015 - Report this comment
My favorite of the day—you had me at 'rubber/lover'! Really great concept and lexecution, Leough, with *loads* of clever 'ways'.
(You should definitely 'wangle' some way to get this recorded!)
Callmelennie - February 19, 2015 - Report this comment
In WWII, troops would put rubbers on the tip of their rifles to keep the insides from getting wet. Come to think of it .. that's what they did to their penises as well
Rob Arndt - February 19, 2015 - Report this comment
CML, US GIs used rubbers (aka prophylactics) on their rifles. The Germans used proper hinged metal muzzle covers or rubber caps and plugs. FYI
Timmy1000 - February 19, 2015 - Report this comment
I started laughing at the title and kept it up through the whole write. I like the water balloon use in there; we had a guy in 6th grade that was showing off one and was caught by the teacher. He tried to tell him it was a water balloon.
Rob Arndt - February 19, 2015 - Report this comment
Sorry for cutting into your thread Leo, but as you can see above I 555d you without comment earlier. This is probably the best title today and is funny too. You probably could do "50 Ways to Shed the Blubber" as well!!! I could do "50 Ways to Serve the Fuhrer" but would be carpet bombed even though it is just harmless dark parody.
John Barry - February 19, 2015 - Report this comment
Rubbed me just the right way: in the funny bone.
Jonathan - February 19, 2015 - Report this comment
unfortunately I may have to resort to some of these... 5's
Phil Alexander - February 20, 2015 - Report this comment
Nicely done - not exactly what I was expecting at all :-)
Patrick - February 20, 2015 - Report this comment
Brilliant, as always. Sorry it's taken me a couple days to catch up. In the Lee Marvin film "The Big Red One", soldiers are shown stretching condoms over their rifle muzzles to keep the salt water out. Later they use them to make surgical gloves to deliver a baby. Try doing that with a hinged steel cap from a German Mauser! Just to pick a nit, you only listed 20 ways to recycle an unused rubber. Has anyone attempted to stretch (pun?) this concept to include all 50? I once mentioned on this site that I had a rare 45 rpm of Paul Simon's song in which he describes all 50 ways to leave his lover. I said it was the diameter of a manhole cover. Someone actually believed me. I heard a story somewhere that teenagers in Thailand are experiencing unwanted pregnancies and STD's because of ill-fitting, oversized condoms. It takes some people a bit of effort to overcome the embarrassment of buying the things in the first place. Who wants to order them in "Extra Small"?
Dr Giorgio Coniglio dec. - February 20, 2015 - Report this comment
A well-conceived parody, preserving the flavor and even many of the rhymes of the OS.
Andy Primus - February 21, 2015 - Report this comment
Well done for this rib(bed)-tickler. Fave was the weed/flush lines.
Meriadoc - February 23, 2015 - Report this comment
Loved how the story line evolved from the poor sod being left with all the expired product he never got to use. Every line was pregnant with humor.

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