The problem is no one shares your bed, you're such a dweeb
You bought all these rubbers to protect from S.T.D.'s
But now they're past the use-by date and getting weak
There must be fifty ways to use those rubbers

You know you're really feeling sad you were refused
Furthermore, your mind is reeling from the cost so underused
But I'll repeat myself, 'cause I'm known for being rude
There must be fifty ways to use old rubbers
Fifty ways to use those rubbers

Ooh, as Popsicle molds, Cole
Hold cigarettes, Chet
You could make a slingshot, Scott
That sure would be neat
Roll onto shoes, Lou
Then they'll never get scuffed up
Just pack some with treats, Pete
To keep 'em all sweet

Ooh, make some balloons, Boone
Hold your loose change, Wayne
You could place on your ears, Keir
Oh, and play make-believe
Keep your weed dry, Ry
You could flush in a drug bust
Apply as dog sleeves, Steve
Though dog would be peeved

There is no need to throw old rubbers down the drain
I wish there was some way I could get that concept through your brain
You said you'd investigate that, then asked me to explain
About the fifty ways

Those things are free of holes, which keeps them watertight
And they can be quite conforming, how they stretch to fit just right
Just think more shrewdly, and you'll come to learn the problem sure is slight
There must be fifty ways to use old rubbers
Fifty ways to use those rubbers

To protect your smartphone, Stone
Hold your keychain, Dane
You keep newspapers dry, Guy
Till ready to read
Oh, to hold your golf balls, Paul
Then replace when your putt's muffed
Hold dough that you knead, Reed
Then store it to freeze

Use to hold snacks, Jack
Place on cat toys, Roy
You hold pencils and pens, Ken
When you're out on a spree
On mantlepiece, Cleese
Fill with goodies till stuffed up
Hang some on the tree, Lee
For Granny to see