The throbbin' is all in spite of dread, she said to Fred
The cancer is breezy if you take some meds instead
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be dead
There must be fifty ways to leach your liver

She said the feeling's not so stabbin' when you're stewed
Furthermore, I hope my scheming won't be tossed or dissed as rude
Now I'll repeat myself at the risk of seeming shrewd
There must be fifty ways to leach your liver
Fifty ways to leach your liver

Just sip on the Jack, Mack
Slake a few cans, Dan
You don't need to enjoy, Troy
Just let your cells bleed
Slop a few Buds, Hud
You won't need to drip suds, Judd
Just top off with speed, Reed
And get yourself freed

Just trip out on crack, Zack
Shake a crude hand, Van
You don't need to eat soy, Floyd
Just whiff on the weed
Hop on the sluts, Dutch
You don't need to heed pus, Russ
Just pop off the seed, Bede
And let the cells breed

She said you'll leave me so much freer once you're maimed
I wish there was something I could do to make your bile inflamed
He said I appreciate that and what you have proclaimed
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just toke until we're tight
And I believe without warning you'll be higher than a kite
And then she listed all the easy ways to expedite my plight
There must be fifty ways to leach your liver
Fifty ways to leach your liver

Just flip on the smack, Shaq
Take a few grams, Sam
You don't need to avoid, Lloyd
Just get yourself keyed
Sop up the slush, Rush
You won't need to dip muck, Buck
Just mop up the treats, Clete
And let your belt cede

You just black out and drift, Cliff
Plan for your wake, Jake
You seek joy in your feat, Pete
Just whistle in glee
Trust in the pot, Scott
You won't need any cash, Lash
Just make a new will, Bill
And leave it to me