(dude, this get's gruesome), (sure does get gruesome)

Down in a little southern town
Andy Taylor is the Sheriff now
His Deputy is just a clown
His name is Barney Fife

The Mayor called Andy on the phone
And he told him in a somber tone
"I must see you, but come alone
Don't let this get around"

And the Mayor said, "Andy, you're a fine cop (you're a fine cop)
You've been good for Mayberry (such a fine cop)
But that Fife cannot remain as Deputy"
(gonna get gruesome), (It will get gruesome, yeah)

Well, Andy, he was blown away
What the Mayor said gave him deep dismay
He loved his job, so he would stay
But how would he tell Fife?

He thought about what he would say
How could he send his friend away?
He'd make it plain, he would explain
"Barney, you 'll have to go"

And so Andy said, "Barney, you're a bad cop (such a bad cop)
You are not much help to me (such a poor cop)
If you really think about it, you'll agree"
(ooh, you're a screw-up), (yes, you're just screwed up)

Then Andy looked in Barney's eyes
And he told him not to worry
"I'm sure you will find something else
And you know I'm very sorry
But now it's time to face the truth, Barney, you aren't the right man"
Would Andy's son, Opie, understand?
(why did you do that, dad?), (why did you do that?)

That night Barney was feeling down
He went out and took a walk downtown
"These bastards think I'm just a clown
They don't want me around"

And so Barney went home and got his shotgun (got his shotgun)
"They will pay for dissin' me" (dissin' me)
Then he mowed down everybody he could see
(It's getting gruesome), (sure does get gruesome)

Barney, he sure went nuts (really went nuts)
FADE

He's in jail and he can't leave (he's confined, sure)
He's now known as inmate number 803
(di-di-di-di-di), (di-di-di-di-di-di)