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Song Parodies -> "Broadband Connection"

Original Song Title:

"Rainbow Connection"

Original Performer:

Kermit the Frog

Parody Song Title:

"Broadband Connection"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

Did this to ridicule the rather abysmal and mediocre services utilities provide here in the Philippines, particularly Internet service providers who claim to offer "world-class speed" yet fail to deliver and flat-out sucks at customer support. The country has been criticised for having one of the worst Internet connection speeds in Asia, something to which the government claims to be addressing.
Why downloads take so much time to deliver?
Ping's on the higher side
Telcos envision; claims more like delusions
World charts show why we deride

Sales talk just works and some spend cash to try it
Cost's high with poor latency*

People have ranted, 'bout broadband connections
I just can't seed in TPB**

They'd market LTE, like it's any better
But it's just as stale as tar
Sold as unlimited, but it's a misnomer***
Their greed just went too far

'Tis so appalling, this country's stagnating
And "world-class" is not what I see

People have ranted, 'bout broadband connections
I just can't seed in TPB

Oligarchs care what just sells
My projects are still here, uploading...

Are they just half-asleep? Or are they deluded?
By money, power or fame?
This is regardless, of paid net subscriptions
Performance is largely the same

Their reasons are far-fetched; I just deplore it
It's not what like they're supposed to be

People have ranted, 'bout broadband connections
I just can't seed in TPB

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
* - 300-plus ms of latency is all to common here, and was one of the reasons why the local MOBA team lost an international tournament.
** - TPB, referring to The Pirate Bay.
*** - Mobile providers sell those so-called "unlimited" broadband plans, with a catch. You can use it all day, but once the file size quota hits, like let's say 1024MB, you're done for and you're relegated to the slow lane.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.5
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   1
 4   3
 5   6

User Comments

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Agrimorfee - September 21, 2015 - Report this comment
And we complain about Internet speed here in the US, but it looks as though what we have is a snap of the fingers compared to what must be a turtle's jog elsewhere. Pacing quibbles gives this a 455 from me. Nicely done.
Patrick - September 21, 2015 - Report this comment
After the digital switch-over I can't even watch TV anymore. As for computers, they have a long way to go to meet my reliability standards before I would ever own one. A great idea, but too many hackers trying to foul things up. By the way, does anyone in the Philippines still use the old rotary dial telephones?
LPG-Unit - September 21, 2015 - Report this comment
Nah, we don't have rotaries anymore here. As for internet connections here, yeah, at least the speed there in the States or in Eastern European countries is clpud nine compared to the rather horrid pace of things here, no thanks to oligarchs gypping the populace who just are too preoccupied with petty showbiz garbage.
Rob Arndt - September 21, 2015 - Report this comment
Patrick, I keep 2 rotaries for fun. I collect phones as well as other old dead format electronics. While most people get the phones from Goodwill, you can also order new old stock of Pacific Bell online. I have the classic green stand Mount and a compact rotary with light up dial inside the talker! My nephews were perplexed as kids by the old tech. Still have my old Kodak EK-6 camera too (a rival to Polaroid but photos came out vertically instead of horizontally). Add old typewriters, B&W 13" tv with rabbit ears, VHS players, Beta players, Laserdisc player, 8 track player, cassette players, old receivers, LTUs, scanners, radios, tape players, DAT player, video machines, 8mm and 16mm, reel to reel, camcorders, etc... what a mess of old technology. 555 for the parody!
LPG-Unit - September 21, 2015 - Report this comment
Didn't knew you have quite a collection there, Rob. Doesn't seem surprising to me though, given how you dabbled with military history every so often. Problem with them rotaries is that it won't work with certain services e.g. prompts where you're asked to key in a certain number to be redirected to a particular department.
@Patrick - September 22, 2015 - Report this comment
You can pick up a digital converter box at Walmart or Fry's for twenty-thirty dollars. Most plug right in and can record.
Patrick - September 22, 2015 - Report this comment
I have a post-digital TV, one of the last "box" rather than flat screen models made. In the age of analog TV, interference would cause a "ghost" image, but you could still watch and hear what was going on. With digital, every time a train goes by six blocks away, or a neighbor parks his car or the guy next door uses an electric shaver, the picture pixilates, freeze-frames, or just goes completely black. The key words of every joke, court verdict, or weather report choke out. Digital TV signals are weak, and easily disrupted. The fedgov did this deliberately to force everyone to subscribe to a pay service and eliminate the proven model of advertiser supported over the air broadcasting.
Rob Arndt - September 23, 2015 - Report this comment
Patrick, the FedGov has made the non-cable networks broadcast free digital signals, so you can still watch TV for free if you have a digital reception antenna. I think you can get one for $20 at Walmart. It shouldn't affect your DLP TV (if that's what you mean by box TV).
Michael Pacholek - September 23, 2015 - Report this comment
Sorry that it took two days for my comment to go through, which sort of makes your point.
AmericanGirlFan8998 - January 31, 2020 - Report this comment
I once had satellite internet but switched over to iPhone and Android. Now I'm getting sick of using my Android tablet most of the time because I am getting a brand new 4G LTE router from Verizon prior to getting back online so I may become a ballerina. My list of collected electronics VHS player w/ DVD player built in XBOX 360 PlayStation 2 PlayStation 3 (in drawer) Surround Sound System Nintendo GameCube Power Macintosh G3 desktop PC HP (Hewlett-Packard) notebook PC Acer eMachines EL1331-05 slim desktop PC Super Nintendo (in closet) Nintendo Wii (in drawer) Game Boy Color Apple iPhone Samsung HDTV

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