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Song Parodies -> "Howard Doesn't Count Me"

Original Song Title:

"Coward of the County"

Original Performer:

Kenny Rogers

Parody Song Title:

"Howard Doesn't Count Me"

Parody Written by:

Wendy Christopher

The Lyrics

Want to catch my shepherd’s eye, but Howard doesn’t count me
A little recognition please, it’s not like I want fame
I’m sweet and soft and woolly, but he don’t care about me
I’ve got this dark suspicion he thinks we all look the same

I’d have jumped a fence for him whenever he was dreaming
But some fleeced-up harlot always seemed to take my place
Then finally it got too much and I just felt like screaming
So I walked up to him and bleated in his face

“Followed your ass up the hill and down the pass
‘Cause I always do just what I’m told
Howard here I am, let me be your little lamb
My love for you is worth its weight in gold
So won’t you welcome me into your fold?”

In the summer I believed he finally started caring
Wrestled me upon the ground and sheared my little ‘hind
And while he gathered up my fleece well I just lay there staring
I lost my wool to him… man, he blew my mind!

But after that he brushed me off, and I felt like he’d used me
Just ‘wham, bam and thank you lamb’ was all he thought we’d had
But then I thought about it, and it no longer confused me
He was keeping his head down in case the other girls got mad!

Followed his ass up the hill and down the pass
Proved beyond a doubt my love was true
Knowing deep inside he’d be wearing soon with pride
The spoils of our secret rendezvous
Oh Howard, soon I’d be all over you!

When he wore that new sweater that’s when I became unstable
It smelled unfamiliar and I knew he’d been astray
So while he slept that night I read the name upon the label
And some bitch called Poly Ester had gone and stolen him away!

As I recalled how I’d succumbed to him in sweet surrender
I couldn’t hold my anger back, or wait until the morn’
I butted him real hard where I know he’s most soft and tender
‘Cause Hell aint got no fury like a ewe that has been shorn!
And I said to him,

“I followed your ass up the hill and down the pass
And now I find you’ve been out on the pull?
Well no-one fleeces me and then just walks away scot-free
You just seduced me with a load of bull
So Howard, you aint getting no more wool!”

Now I’ve laid him down to sleep, so Howard doesn’t count me…!

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 5

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   5

User Comments

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Invisible Boy - December 06, 2007 - Report this comment
I have to say, I loved this. I would never have thought of a "romance" theme from the point of view of a sheep...( Only Ewe...)...lots of great jokes and rhymes...I should have know from a comment you made to me a couple of days ago..."EWWWWWWWW"
John Barry - December 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Some great phrases in here; my fave: wham, bam and thank you lamb. Lambed my a** off.
AFW - December 06, 2007 - Report this comment
A hearty welcome to "Ewe-ville"...Extra fine job on a difficult pacing monster..I know so well, having done it once, myself...Phrases, and lines, like, "A b**** called Poly-Ester stealing him away" and, "No one fleeces me and walks away scot-free" tag this premium parody perfection
Rick C - December 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Nice perspective here. How you came up with it bleats me. :-) 555
Dee Range - December 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Dang, a WOMAN writing about animal just used to be us male perverts become more endearing every day, my dear. Shear delight and high 5's!
Wendy Christopher - December 07, 2007 - Report this comment
Thanks for all the lovely comments, everyone - I'm not sure myself what was happening in my brain when I wrote this...even as I was penning it I was thinking "Okay, now people are going to think I'm REALLY wierd....!"

IB: Hehehe, good one! Now there's an idea for a follow-up... or perhaps Howard could have a response song ('Ewe Out Of Three Aint Bad," maybe? ;^) )

AFW: After you mentioned your parody of this one I finally worked out that you're aka airfarcewon (yep - dubya-sharp, this girl!) I read Broward Was The County about a week before I submitted this one and I loved it - very sharp and well-observed, so praise from you is an honour indeed. :^)

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