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Song Parodies -> "The Swordsman"

Original Song Title:

"The Gambler"

Original Performer:

Kenny Rogers

Parody Song Title:

"The Swordsman"

Parody Written by:

Kristof Robertson

The Lyrics

The best or worst job in the world, depending on your point of view.....
On a warm summer's evening, in a strip bar in Vegas
I met up with a swordsman; (we ain't talkin' Errol Flynn)
A 12 inch living legend, from New York to San Francisco
(And when there's not much goingsome sick stuff in Berlin)

He said "Son, I've made a lifeout of entering warm places
Of gals who speak no English; while I'm watched by twenty guys
If you're gonna be a playah; nailin' babes with vacant faces
Well, it ain't no frat party, so here's my best advice"

So I handed him my bottlebut he said "Son, I've quit boozin'
Coz it's hard to be "upstanding", boy...when you've got brewer's droop
And I've had so much Viagraif you shake me hard, I rattle
Although I'm stiffer than a surfboard, at least it keeps me in the loop"

You gotta know how to use itwhen to unloose it
Know where it's going, budknow when to come
Boy, you can make good moneyif you're ready, willing, able
You don't need to have an IQif you're young and hung

"Every swordsman knows thatthe secret to survive is
Workin' out and eatin' wellor fetish midget flicks
Coz every man's a sinner; but if I'm makin' moolah
I can "do" most anything, son'cept maybe chicks with dicks"

When he stopped sermonisin'.he said to me, while scratchin'
"I'm off to the clinic nowfor my weekly test"
He walked out with his hardnessand man, it got me thinkin'
I'm hung like a chihuahua, but it's prob'ly for the best

You gotta know where to danglefor cam'ra angles
Know when to tie her upand call her "slut"
That Europe-an honeyshe may ride you on the table
But, by heck, she'll be dismountin'when the boss yells "CUT!"

You gotta know when to flip 'erthat LA stripper
Know when to say your linewhen to shut up
You never ask di-rector"Vinnie, what's my motivation?"
He don't wanna see your Branaghyou're just there to shtup!

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   13

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Jack Wilson - October 23, 2006 - Report this comment
Just a flesh wound...LOL,5's
alvin rhodes - October 23, 2006 - Report this comment
too funny....nice twist
TJC - October 23, 2006 - Report this comment
Masterfully written (and I don't usually go in for sing-a-schlongs...)
Matthias - October 23, 2006 - Report this comment
Nice, loved "Vinnie, What's my motivation"
AFW - October 23, 2006 - Report this comment
Definitely, a top drawer parody, here...
Red Ant - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
Odd... I couldn't sing this to TOS but it worked fine to a MIDI file. The third verse made me LOL. 15 inches (everyone exaggerates a *bit*, right?!)
Kristof Robertson - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks for your votes and comments, everyone!
Jack: I paced this to a lyric sheet, and then sang along to a live version of the song by Kenny: it fit more or less perfectly. I then tried it with a studio version; same problem you had. Just goes to show that sometimes songs can be interpreted differently, even by the original artist. Thanks for your feedback
Joel Martinez - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
Stuart McArthur - October 25, 2006 - Report this comment
hilarious stuff KR - as usual, TMGLTM, but loved the branagh refererence, and the "hung like a chihuahua" and so many other funny little additions - big (12-inch) 555
tomario - October 25, 2006 - Report this comment
was it hard ? 555 all the way.nice parody
Johnny D - November 04, 2006 - Report this comment
(Dec) Sounds like he's Duncan MacLeod, The Thighglander. ;-)
bobpiecheese - November 05, 2006 - Report this comment
(Decathlon - Event 6) EW...who the hell brought a camera? That's dsgusting...but so frickin' hilarious it doesn't really matter!
Josh 2 - November 05, 2006 - Report this comment
I'm sure this sort of parody is forbidden, but funny nonetheless. lol, you got a 5s
Stuart McArthur - November 05, 2006 - Report this comment
(decath6) see above - noone wants to see anyone's Branagh, including, and especially, Branagh's - wonderful pacing made it so easy to read Kristof
Jeff Reuben - November 06, 2006 - Report this comment
I started off thinking "Oh no he didn't..." But you did! Hilarious, and so Vegas!
Arwen - November 06, 2006 - Report this comment
Decathlon...I saw Jeff's comment before I read the I KNEW you did. Naughty...
Phil Alexander - January 08, 2007 - Report this comment
Missed this first time around... a super addition to the "Gambler" set of parodies. When's the video coming out?

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