On a warm summer's evening
On a train bound for nowhere
I came across a gamer
Playing his GameBoy Advance
I couldn't help a-staring
O'er his shoulder at him playing
Though many hours were passing
I still stood there in a trance

He said "Pop, I've made a life
Out o' winning competitions
An' I can out-play anyone
At Super-Mar-ee-o
So, if you're really into playing
Then lose the inhibitions, and
I feel like a laugh, and so
I'll let you have a go"

So he handed me the gadget
And I started on his level
Straight off I missed the platform
And very quickly died
It was not at all impressive
I could tell by his expression
He said, if you're gonna play the GameBoy
You got to learn to play it right

You got to know when to jump 'em
Know when to thump 'em
Know when to run away
Know when to duck
You never watch your scorin'
'Cause it's most unfashionable
But you'll make that high score table
With a little bit of luck

To cut the story short
I kept falling and dying
It didn't stop me trying
But it still did no damn good
I headbutted the bullets
And tripped traps like a cretin
And I wouldn't mind a-bettin'
That wee bastard knew I would

You see, my total lack of talent
Amused the little blighter
And as he giggled, well, I felt
The anger rise in me
Ah.. this patronizing pipsqueak
He's a gamer - I'm a fighter
So I made that bloody GameBoy
An Advanced supposit'ry

You've got to know when to boot 'em
Know when to shoot 'em
Know what's a power-up
Know what's a trap
Though it's kind of funny
Watchin' someone who's unable
Don't laugh: if he's unstable
You might end up in the crap

You got to know how it's done, too
Know where to run to
Know when to hit the deck,
Know when to miss
You never laugh or giggle
When you're watching someone playing
And if you're hearing what I'm saying
You ain't gonna take the piss

You got to know when to jump 'em
Know when to thump 'em
Know when to run away
Know when to duck
You never watch your scorin'
'Cause it's most unfashionable
But you'll make that high score table
With a little bit of luck