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Song Parodies -> "The Vampire"

Original Song Title:

"The Gambler"

Original Performer:

Kenny Rogers

Parody Song Title:

"The Vampire"

Parody Written by:

Tim Mayfield

The Lyrics

Garlic bagels, they're healthier than you think.
On a cold dreary morning
He appeared out of nowhere
A man faced with a vampire
Who was heading off to sleep
I saw his nostrils flaring
Could smell I was eating garlic
My morning bagel saved me
From this unnatural creep

He said, Son, I've taken life
But I'd never, ever waste it
And though I could kill you now
Simply could not drink your blood
And though I could spill your life force
I would never get to taste it
For a taste comparison
As bad as drinking mud

So I tossed away my bagel
And I sat down there beside him
Told me 'bout a cute brunette
He'd asked her for a bite
Then he told me 'keep it quiet'
He suffered from depression
He said, If you're gonna be undead, boy
You've got to practice every night

You've got to know where to bite 'em
Know how to frighten
Know how to sleep all day
Hide from the sun
You never bite somebody
Who is very fond of garlic
You should stay away from clerics,
Churches, priests and nuns

Now every slayer knows
The secret to surviving
Is knowing how to play the fool
Keeping tight the lip
Cause every vamp's a killer
And humans are their victims
And the best time to kill them
Track them back to their crypt

Well when he'd finished speaking
The sun was peeking out some
'Fraid of his complexion
He slithered off to sleep
And down into the darkness
I tracked him for one reason
I didn't mention that I brought
A bagel he could keep

You've got to know how to track 'em
Know how to whack 'em
Know when to use a stake
Know when to run
You never cut their head off
Till you've stuffed it full of garlic
Cause you're never safe from vampires
Till the deed is done

You've got to know when to psych 'em
Know when to spike 'em
Know when to call 'em sir
Or call 'em scum
You never 'Count' dead vampires
Till their burning in the courtyard
Holy water from the fountain
And hot burning sun

You got to know when to feed 'em
Know how to bleed 'em
Know when to stalk your prey
Or take some Tums
You never mount your offense
Till they're sleeping in their coffin
They're asleep enough for offing
When the morning comes

You gotta know where to stake 'em
Know when to bake 'em
Know when to pull the drapes
Let in the sun

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   11

User Comments

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Royce Miller - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Delightful, macabre, skullfully done.
Arwen - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
..."Stay away from clerics, churches, priests and nuns..."

It's sound advice...for both the living and the undead, if you ask me...; )
Phil Alexander - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Marvellous, Tim. Simply marvellous (incidentally, I have a karaoke backing for this one, if you're interested)
AFW - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Somethin' you can really sink your teeth into....Cross-es over the top..fives
Billy Boyd - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Funny and compelling storytelling. All 5's.
Tim Mayfield - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
I 'vant to tank you all for your fine support. Drink up, there's plenty for all.

Royce: Not often do I get the privilege of a comment from you, I will cherish it. :-)

Arwen: I am surprised I didn't get a DKTOS from you, but on the question of whether or not you would comment, it was a given considering the subject matter...

Phil: I may take you up on the offer, except I don't know if I will be rewriting the music for a more macabre, halloweeny sound. I'll keep you staked, er posted.

AFW: hehe. My parents went to Count Dracula's and all I got was this bloody t-shirt.

Billy: Thanks. I try.
carol - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
I KTOS and this is excellent!! Three toothy 5's
Tim Mayfield - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks carol. :-)
Arwen - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
WHAT? Why would I not know the OS? I was raised on Kenny Rogers, Mister!
PMS - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Well done!!
Peter Andersson - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
"'Fraid of his complexion". LOL. Clever use of the original song, without falling into the bottomless pit... I mean bloodless trap of stabbing us with repeated choruses over and over. :-)
Tim Mayfield - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Arwen: Sorry, I just figured since it was a country song, it would be an automatic DKTOS... my bad.

PMS: Thanks! :-)

Peter: I'm trying to do better about those repeated chorus's thing. I think I am, I think I am, I think I am...
Arwen - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Nothing to be sorry about...I think it's funny what people think of me. First Mr. Pacholek was convinced that I was a Green Day fan, and now this...; )

The truth of the matter is that I LOVE country and old...=)
Tim Mayfield - October 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Arwen: My conclusion was based in part from your DKTOS for these - 'If Hell Had A Jukebox" by Travis Tritt, "Why Me, Lord" by Kris Kristofferson, "The Whiskey Ain't Working" by Travis Tritt. Just goes to show you that logic isn't logical. Or maybe extrapolation is a trap... or maybe I should shut mine... ;-)
Johnny D - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Vampires and pirates are two of my favorite phantasmagorical parody-characters --- well done!
Tim Mayfield - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks Johnny. A pirate vampire should make quite a story.
stuart mcarthur - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Bravo Tim! I loved the varying choruses, the "Count" gag, and the whole lot - 555
Tim Mayfield - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks stuart.

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