[ THE BLUE SPOT FADES TO BLACK. THE STAGE IS DARK ]


NARRATOR
On top of this, Angelina still has wild hot-blooded feminine needs, and she indulges them at every opportunity, going through co-stars and film crew at an alarming rate. Seven days into filming, she has already bonked her way down to the Key Grip. She lures him into her trailer

ANGELINA
Whoops! Sorry Key Grip – I accidentally swallowed the key.
Silly me!
Whoops! Sorry Key Grip – I accidentally hand-cuffed you to that chair.
Silly me!

KEY GRIP
(trembling)
But I don't wanna be your toyboy, Ms Jolie. You're too much woman for a lowly minion like me! I feelI feel

[ A BLUE SPOT FADES UP, HIGHLIGHTING A SINGLE CHAIR IN THE MIDDLEOF AN EMPTY STAGE. THE KEY GRIP IS HAND-CUFFED TO THE CHAIR ]


"Don't Tie Up Me, Angelina"
Parody by Stuart McArthur

KEY GRIP
I feel uneasy
a little strange
and I don't really know why I'm here
Is it my turn already? Just seven days in?
I feel so nervous
I'm just the key grip - I'm too lowly to do
I don't have a wife, I'm afraid
I know that's important to you

I'd love to let it happen
I really would!
just to brag to the other key grips
how you locked me inside, and then swallowed the key
You took my freedom
hand-cuffed me naked - God knows what you'll do!
They'll never believe I was here
about to be ravaged by you

Don't tie up me, Angelina
The truth is I'm (gulp).......a virgin
Oh sure, I've bonked you
at your insistence
but I was twelve then
and quite a distance!

And all these stockwhips!
and all these chains!
I d-don't think that THEY should be here
though you prob'ly assume they are all I desire
I am scared shitless!
I'm not quite the bad boy Bill Bob must have been
Er...why are you shaving my thighs?
Puh-lease don't progress northerly!

* (to self)...wish I were een Argentina *

(crescendo of electrical appliances being tested)

Don't tie up me, Angelina
The truth is, you terrify me
in all that leather...
that tattooed tummy...
To be quite honest
I want my mummy

Have I said enough?
I'm sure that you'll agree to let me go...won't you?
So all you have to do is.....HOLY COW!
untie...YEOW!
shit, all they say
is...
true...

Don't...YEOW!!...Tie Up Me, Angeli.....Holyfreakinmotherof.....