[ THE BLUE SPOT FADES TO BLACK. THE STAGE IS DARK ]



NARRATOR
In fact, Angelina's fear are well-founded. Brad IS becoming disenchanted, as more of Angelina's short-comings become evident

ANGELINA
(wailing)
AAOW, BRAD!! I just CAN'T do it!

BRAD
Sure you can, Ange. You must have learnt to cook one meal in your life! Just cook that! I'm sure our guests will be happy, whatever it is. Have you set the table?

ANGELINA
(wailing)
AAOW, BRAD!! I just CAN'T do that EITHER!
Boo hoo hooBoo hoo hoo


[ A BLUE SPOT FADES UP, HIGHLIGHTING A SINGLE TABLE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EMPTY STAGE. BRAD PITT IS STANDING AT THE TABLE WITH CUTLERY IN HIS HANDS ]





"Don't Fry The Peas, Angelina"
Parody by Stuart McArthur

BRAD
But it's so easy!
You just arrange...
the fork, then the spoon, then the knife!
then a placemat is laid between fork and the spoon!
I can't believe you...
are not skilled domestic'ly......I am quite shocked!
The guests will be here very soon
at six (maybe seven) o'clock

I hate to be a know-all
but darling Ange...
you must NOT cook the chicken like that!
Take the plastic wrap OFF!
THEN place it in the stove
You cannot feed...them...
a glaze of burnt glad-wrap (it's nutrient-free)
It's not classified as a food
(you wouldn't expect it to be)

Don't fry the peas, Angelina
They go into boiling water
and those potatoes -
they should be roasting
but not in THAT thing -
that thing's for toasting

And as for butter
and as for cream...
they really should live in the fridge
not the pot-drawer - although I see both have expired
They've gone quite lumpy
They're not quite the produce they promised to be
Unless, darling, they are thrown OUT
they'll be thrown UP, regurgitiv'ly

(Don't whine...aw Jeeeeez, Angelina!)

Don't fry the brie, Angelina
You see, love, it just starts melting
See how it's sticking?
starting to bubble?
It was a fine cheese
...now it's a puddle

Have I said too much?
I did say I don't care if you can't cook - that's true
Smile...all you do is stretch those lips
then you'll feel me (I mean GLEE)
in...
you...

Don't cry! Aw, pleease, Angelina......