There's a red neck, chewin' RED MAN
Spittin' on his red Sabre's hood
He's got tobacco juice dribblin' down his 1 shirt
He wouldn't change it, even if he could

And his woman, she's a-bitchin'
Tired of moppin' up that slop
She looks at him, says "hey asshole, I'll dismember you, after you stop this GLOCK"

Ain't that hysterical, violently
Ain't that hysterical, claimin' insanity
Ain't that hysterical, know she'll go free
Little jail houses, she'll never see

As a young man, he had no shirt
Poorer than a small third world nation
He had broken teeth, gap-toothed smile
The dentist never was his destination

They told him, when he was younger
Boy, you'd better use that PEPSODENT
But just like everything else, those old yellow teeth
Just turned black and went

Ain't that hysterical, dentures you see
Ain't that hysterical, no teeth to see baby
Ain't that hysterical, mouth of the free
Little pink gummies, to mush McD's

Well there's veggies, and more veggies
All of them blow, blow blow
And they lurk in grocery isles
Some of them imported from down in Mexico
Oh damn

'Cause there's weiners, good long tubers
All I need for a meal
And some RIPPLE, man, maybe pay for the frills;
The grill and the backyard still

Hate that asparagus, worse than those peas
Hate that asparagus, those tiny green trees
Hate that asparagus, beggin ' you pleeeeease
Little pink sausages just for me

Extra verse

Well I had to sit there, 'till I ate it
Sometimes I'd sit there for a week
And I dreamed of a dog, sittin' under the table
Who was a vegetable freak

But there was no dog, and no dessert neither
Even if I begged on my knees
So when my folks got their coffee
I'd fill up a baggie, and tell them I had to pee

And I flushed that asparagus, flushed those peas
Those little green marbles. those tiny green trees
Don't feed me no brussel sprouts , I'm beggin' you please
When I grow up I'm eatin' pizza , dude, every single day of the week