Went to the shop just the other day
Buying all my groceries the usual way
But I looked around and I found that they
No longer stocked the tea I like upon my tray
I was choosing something different, because I knew
I'd try a different brew, now
It's gotta be a different brew

There's crap in the kettle, and it sure ain't tea
It tastes more than a little weird to me
The packet says it ought to be Lapsang Souchong
But I've tasted it - it's wrong
The packet label's wrong

I bought a few diff'rent teas to taste
The shop had twenty-seven types and in my haste
I didn't check exactly what I'd bought
One cup's like any other, that is what I thought
And as I walked back homewards, realised it's true
I really like a brew, I
Look forward to my brew

But there's crap in the kettle, and it sure ain't tea
There's something green where it ought to be
If it says Darjeeling, even Pure Assam
It don't go well with jam
Not with my scone and jam

Well, I made a pot just the other day
I'm told it's very popular, it's called Earl Grey
Some folks may like it, I do not
The taste of tea is ruined by the bergamot
But still I'm trying all these teas, I'm sure I'll find
A brew as nice as mine...

But there's crap in the kettle and it sure ain't tea
It's lemony tea, not elementary
If you gotta add sugar, then the taste ain't right
And this stuff tastes of shite, bleah
Yeah, this stuff tastes of shite

Now, I've got teas in a great big pile
There's mint, and then there's ginger and there's camomile
But none of them taste right to me
And I am sure that they should not be sold as "tea"
They may be something, served up wet and hot
But "tea" they're surely not
They certainly are not
And as I went to the shop it occurred to me,
They ought to sell real tea
And label it "REAL TEA"

And there's crap in the kettle, and it sure ain't tea
What do they think I am - a chimpanzee?
Next time I go shopping, I will try again
And I know I'll get some then, well...
I hope I'll get some then