Go first in the world, go feed on their fears,
Be the man to whom bribes must be paid;
Take always your cut, be never the chump,
When law-breaking wagers are laid.
Under cover of darkness, take candy from children,
Then cheat on the women who wait;
And the house you pimp in will never fall down
If you swindle all seniors who stand at your gate

When they're full under sail and they're caught by the gale,
Gouge "em good for they cannot say no;
And the song that you sing when you're quizzed by the cops
Must insist that it just isn't so;
Be calm in the face of a state trooper's gaze,
Lest he wonders what you're wanted for;
And the stocks you've shorted will always go down
If you poison the product they sell at your store.

When you're out on the road and feelin' quite lost
Then your crimes will be murder to trace,
And you'll rise in men's eyes, when you criticize
As other men fail in disgrace.
A sea of strange faces and dark dingy places
Holds promise of victims galore,
And your warrants outstanding will never be served
If you service the sheriff who stands at your door

When you're down in the jail, and you've not bought the judge,
Decide what it is that you need -
Is it money for bail? Is it sex or revenge?
Or your drug habit that you must feed?
Be known as a man who will always be candid,
Good con men convince you they're straight;
And the house you smoke crack in will never burn down
If you swindle all strangers who stand at your gate
And the house you sell crack from will never burn down
If you swindle all strangers who stand at your gate