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Song Parodies -> "The Weapon Of Bold Knight Sir Farqharlot"

Original Song Title:

"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Performer:

Gordon Lightfoot

Parody Song Title:

"The Weapon Of Bold Knight Sir Farqharlot"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

I almost feel I should put this down as a parody to Spaff's "The Wreck of Ben Afflick and J-Lo" as I've never heard the original song. This song was written in this meter, not as a parody at all... but when I did a couple of verses for the collaborative parody "The Dreck called American Idol", I realised that it fits... so I changed the last verse to be a bit closer, and Bob's your uncle.
A legend is told
Of a knight, brave and bold
Who'd save dragons from maids in the park a lot
But before I begin
This song's not about him
But a different knight, one Sir Farqharlot

A typical knight:
Big, strong, not too bright
But he'd a remarkable weapon, it
Was long, it was mighty
And he'd whip it out, knightly
But had to take care not to step on it

All the maids of the court
For whom others fought
Would beg for a nightly position
They'd say "Once a king
Always a king...
...But with you, once Sir Knight is sufficient"

But all was not right
For Sir Farqharlot, knight
What seemed like a maid had coerced him
It turned out the bitch
Was a hag, yes a witch
And when he said "no thanks"... well, she cursed him

The result of this curse
Could not be much worse
For a knight who was known as a roamer
Now, how can I put it?
He just couldn't cut it
Let's just say "camelot"'s a misnomer

For this knight's nightly horn
Every night would perform
If husbands had known they'd've forbidden't
And the ladies they came
..and again, and again
But poor old Sir Farqharlot didn't

Then one day he cracked
(Monday, to be exact)
And shouted "I'm cursèd, oh curse it!
I know what is best
I'll go on a quest
And find someone wise to reverse it"

So he saddled his horse
(No not like THAT!, of course)
And set out from Camelot. a-questing
With maids of all kinds
A-strung out behind
A-crying, and wailing, protesting

As Farqharlot left
Leaving maidens bereft
Of his company, sobbing and screamin'
He called back "Don't be glum
I must go, ere I come
Back again here to shoot off my .. er.. mouth"

And Arthur and co
Had gone, not long ago
On a quest for their own holy grail
But Farqharlot knew
What he had to do
Was much more vital not to fail

Well, let me just say
That he went quite a way
And fought many monsters who pecked at him
And fair maidens, too
Well, he rescued a few
And he'd check if his curse still affected him

Then one fateful day
Down in France - St Tropez
He found an old woman who'd read a lot
She said she'd endeavour
(Well, she was very clever
And well known for using her head a lot)

Once he'd filled up her purse
She said "Oh, that old curse
Oh, yes, I know exactly what this is
It need not be endured
For it is simply cured,
Like all curses, by first true love's kisses

As Sir F rode home
From his horse he was thrown
And finished face down in the water
Fished out by a rag-
Ged, fish-faced old hag
With a long-haired and beautiful daughter

He knew this was right
It was love at first sight
And as he picked her up and kissed her, he
Thought now I am sure
My curse is no more
Yes! The ratbag's first curse is now history

But as luck would have it
Though she went like a rabbit
Sir Farqharlot still didn't make it
So he finally knew
Just what she had to do
This was his one chance - he must take it

So he asked his new missus
If she'd plant a few kisses
On the spot where they would be most needed
And he'd finally lay her
Like a Brit tennis player
Entering round one unseeded

Alas! He'd not taken measure
Of the build-up of pressure
From several years' inability
And it fired up her nose
Like a high-pressure hose
She did not like his new-found virility

Sir Farqharlot said
"If it goes to your head
I'm sure you'll get better with practice
So let's climb into bed
And think on this, instead:
Be thankful it isn't a cactus"

Now Sir F's back at court
And I must report
That he's started to ride his new luck a lot
And now you have all heard
The rude and absurd
Tale: The Weapon of bold Knight Sir Farqharlot

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 7

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   6

User Comments

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EmiLoca - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment
I spilled my iced latte laughing at this one - no joke. "Be thankful it isn't a cactus"?! Hysterical! 5's.
Kristof Robertson - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment
Well f**k my maiden aunt, Phil...this was unbelievably good!! DKTOS, but as it reads like a poem, who cares? Your wordplay was razor sharp.."like a Brit tennis player, entering round one unseeded" d'ya do it? Perfect 555
Phil Alexander - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks, E&K... Gee, you must have read through this quickly ;-)
This song was written for performance, rather than explicitly for amiright (I was rather lucky that it just happened to fit the tune of a well-known song), but the upshot is I've spent a bit more time on it, adding on average maybe a verse a week: so there's been lots of time to come up with puns and risqué jokes.
Jack Wilson - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment
Great job! 555!
Know 1 can hear you dream - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment
Another Holy Knight/KISS parody? Maybe it´s been in the idea box since back you now when? Oh, and I LMAO at the tennis line too. :-)
alvin rhodes - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment
great job...too funny...i never get tired of parodies of this song
Leo Jay - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment
Wow, that was really, really funny!.

I actually thought the verse with "...Though she went like a rabbit, Sir Farqharlot still didn't make it" was going to end with "so finally she knew just what she had to do... like all women through time, she just faked it".
Meriadoc - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil, you are brilliant! And as for not knowing the original song, well, consider yourself the luckiest man on the planet.... ;-) - June 18, 2004 - Report this comment
Splendid. It's not quite the meter of tWotEF - it's better. There's a full load of great lines and rhymes here - it would be futile to try to name them all. But I especially liked your rhyme for screamin'. You're approaching Shel Silverstein territory here. And thanks for the shout-out.
Phil Alexander - June 19, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks all :-)
Well, Spaff, I was within a hair's breadth of sticking in a verse of Rocky Raccoon, but thought that would be a bit OTT
Claude Prez - June 19, 2004 - Report this comment
Whoa, first Johnny D's "Erection" and now Phil's "Weapon". Hey Spaff, which of those two do you think "Uranus" could handle in a showdown? Anyway, brilliant stuff. Also, Bob really is my uncle. (Sorry; couldn't resist)
Johnny D - June 21, 2004 - Report this comment
555, arise, Sir Philbone.
Jeff Reuben - July 09, 2004 - Report this comment
Not bad...I need to download the original though
EmiLoca - July 12, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Back again to give you another thumbs-up. Nice work, just doesn't get old. - July 17, 2004 - Report this comment
I'm back for more. Oh, what a Knight!
To your Rocky Raccoon comment, Philbo: Yeah, only a desperate hack would pull a stunt like that.
C4P: If you wanna let those guys take turns with Uranus, cool, but I'll keep my eyes closed.
Jared - July 18, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Sorry, DKTOS, but on a funny powem-like song like this,. it doesn't really matter..good luck in the competition!
Adagio - July 18, 2004 - Report this comment
I just half knew the song...enough to get me though this fabulous tale. There are too many good lines to put down one. 5's oh (SOTM)
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - July 20, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Seconding the last two comments, truly a 'stand out' parody. "Once Sir Knight is sufficient" ...a triple entendre!! One slip-up, though, 'mouth' doesn't rhyme with 'screamin'...oh. OH! PS. This reminds me, how the heck did Shrek get away with Lord Farquuad?
Claude Prez - July 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Even more formidable the second time through. I'd say that DAMN this Weapon is gonna be tough to beat, but as you know the competition is VERY STIFF this month.
John Jenkins - July 27, 2004 - Report this comment
A very well told tale, with a lot of excellent rhyming, word play and puns - especially the knightly puns.
Johnny D - July 27, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above!
Peregrin - July 31, 2004 - Report this comment
I thought this was great! I am still confused as to how Phil CAN'T have heard the original!
Meriadoc - July 31, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) You're in the running so far...
ethan - July 31, 2004 - Report this comment
it's good (and i'm getting lazy with my comments)
2nz - August 01, 2004 - Report this comment
Yes, a medieval toast to the knightly puns. MORE ALE!
JUNE 2004 SONG OF THE MONTH - August 01, 2004 - Report this comment
Bronze Medalist,2106.0.html
JUNE 2004 SONG OF THE MONTH BRONZE MEDAL - August 25, 2004 - Report this comment;topic=3009.0;id=1335;image - February 08, 2005 - Report this comment
What Spaff said both times. And let me help replenish your fives so that you can Farqsamorr.
John Jenkins - February 14, 2005 - Report this comment
What John Jenkins said plus what Peregrin said. This must be the only OS that I have heard that you haven't.
2nz - March 14, 2005 - Report this comment
Very very funny Phil. Still excellent puns. As Tom Hanks said in 'A League of Their Own': "May our feet be swift, may our bats be mighty, and may our balls... be plentiful'. MORE ALE!
2004 SONG OF THE YEAR - April 09, 2005 - Report this comment
SECOND PLACE (tie),8407.0.html
deonte - June 28, 2006 - Report this comment
it was owdi
AFW - November 11, 2012 - Report this comment
Just lucky enough to read this, while going through some of the versions of WOTEF' Spaff said, a little different syllablizing..but really good, and Funny, Funny, Funny!
Phil Alexander - November 12, 2012 - Report this comment
:-) Thanks... I revisit this every so often, though have yet to learn it well enough to perform without the lyrics. Quite tempted to re-tune it so that it's not a parody & record (there is a recording of it on Soundclick, but I could probably do quite a bit more with the song if I give it its own melody)

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