These magazines are lame
I don't read SOY'S LIFE
They're freakin' far from clever GATE INFORMER made me whine
Who paid these dummies to write about some fence in Hong Kong?
Or salad tongs? These authors must be high on bongs!

Saw this huge stack... That's such a waste
READER'S DISGUST has made me sneer
Pick up a book, That's a disgrace
Won't spare the change since SLIME's a crock
Who's gonna buy PET ROCK FANCY?
'Zines make me groan so far from splendid, they're all hackjob authors, geeze...

Think AX 'EM blows
Extremely bored
HIGHLIGHTS that I found... Is made for stoners, Oh my Lord!
Were for kids once and that's disturbing, I can't lie
What's this rag I fumbled?
It has the title PIE TIMES

Won't spend a dime
I won't subscribe!
Oh, As long as they're jam-packed with junk
You know I'll need a bribe
SEVERED TEEN just makes me pissed
I X'ed SHEEPLE off this list
Think I'd subscribe?
I won't subscribe! Nay! Nay!

That BONE APPETIT's so bad it made me less smart
Was caught of guard by REAL PIMPLE in your shopping cart
And I won't spend a single dime looking at poultry in HEN'S HEALTH
It blows my mind: SPOTS ILLUSTRATED is a crime

GOOD MOUSEKEEPING... Has made me spew
Won't touch MONOCLE PORNOGRAPHIC if you want me to
Your mailbox is stuffed with them
Well, I sure hope those things were free
Cause if you spent your hard earned money on that crap then you're a freak

Read ROLLING SCONE
And I was floored
Those pastries were chowed... By the rock stars we adore
TV BLIND's dumb in brail for those with bad eyes
Gonna hear me grumble
Since they stink they are bringing in flies
No, I won't buy!
I won't subscribe!
To pick up these things I need thick gloves or I'd break out in hives
SANITY'S RARE made me cringe
BAR AND DRIVER made me flinch
Think I'd subscribe?
I won't subscribe... Nooooo...

GEEKQ is gross
It gave me warts
"Rock that Unibrow" and "Wear Suspenders With Plaid Shorts!"
What left me stunned is THE NEW PORKER's bacon tie
High fashion's jumbled
With some meat that's been crispy fried
No, I won't buy!
I won't subscribe!
I don't care how many times you shove these issues near my eyes
POPULAR SILENCE is sh*t
But MAD MAGAZINE's a hit!
And I'll subscribe
I will subscribe!
I will subscribe!!!