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Song Parodies -> "Don't Beam Me Down (The Red Shirt Song)"

Original Song Title:

"Don't Bring Me Down"

Original Performer:

Electric Light Orchestra

Parody Song Title:

"Don't Beam Me Down (The Red Shirt Song)"

Parody Written by:

Warren Baker

The Lyrics

First, thanks to Rex's "Let There Be Spock" parody and how it got me thinking about this. For those of you who were not fans of the original Star Trek, whenever they 'beamed' down to a planet, a red shirted crewman was always part of the landing party. This person often did not make it through the entire episode alive. Thus, the following lament by Ensign Patrick. The 'buuurrrring' is my take on the sound of transporter beam.
I’m Ensign Patrick, I like staying alive
They want to take me down to planet 6-5
Don’t beam me down, no, no, no, no no
I know what’s in store, no need to ask me once more
Don’t beam me down.

Don’t want no talons from a monster huge
To come down swoopin’ making crewman stew
Don’t beam me down, no, no, no, no, no
I like my blood here instead of schmeared on a sphere
Don’t beam me down.

Don’t send me now, buuurrrring
Take Ensign Mao, buuurrrring
I hear a growl, buuurrrring
Don’t beam me down.

The planet’s steaming, it’s about to blow
I’m twenty-three and I need time to grow
Don’t beam me down, no, no, no, no, no
I want twenty-four to be the year I adore
Don’t beam me down.

The Klingon soldiers, they all love to flight
Yes that’s the Lord’s prayer that you hear me recite
Don’t beam me down, no, no, no, no, no
I’ll go to the brig before I get I off this rig
Don’t beam me down.

They'll knock me down , buuurrrring
Down to the ground, buuurrrring
I'll break my crown, buuurrrring
Don’t beam me down.

I’m feelin’ sickly, can I go take a nap?
I feel it’s safer than a phaser zap
Don’t beam me down, no, no, no, no, no
I want to explore the chance of living some more
Don’t beam me down.

The guards are draggin’ me to shuttle bay one
Please tell my mom and dad it’s been loads of fun
Won’t beam me down, no, no, no, no, no
They’re closing the door, how sad that I joined the corps
They’ll fly me down

They flew me down, uh oh, oh, no, no
I wear a red shirt, that means it’s six feet of dirt.
To lay me down.
Copyright Stardate 2010.6.30 Warren Baker. More at the less than futuristic sounding Blogging Baker.

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 9

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   8

User Comments

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Guy - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
WB - As I remember I always expected the guy in the red jump suit to get offed. He is what was known as the expendable Trek crew member.

You always knew something bad was going to happen to him - he was the Mr. Bill of Trek.

He knows before he goes that "Everyone's Born To Die" as did Ensign Bluebird know that "Bluebird Is Dead" and at least one was "Turned to Stone", they all knew beeming down meant that "It's Over" and they all knew that they were only "In For The Kill".

Fine takeup on a Trek certainty. 5 to beam up.
WarrenB - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
Took a moment for me to register the puns, but it appears I was in the middle of "One Summer Dream" when an "Evil Woman" made a call on a "Telephone Line" suggesting I "I Turn to Stone." Luckily, "I'm Alive." Gracias!
Fiddlegirl - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
Clever title switch and concept for this one! :) 555
WarrenB - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
Gracias, FG! I was pretty happy the name hadn't been taken yet.
Guy - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
Warren - I knew you'd pick up on the ELO song names - you're a smart guy and I believe that you are a huge ELO fan as am I. Beside the original Trek with Kirk and Spock which series do you like most?

My fave for sure was Voyager. My least fave was deep space nine although DS9 had one of the best episodes ever. It was when Quark and his brother Rom took Nog to Star Fleet Academy on a sabotaged ship. They overaccelerated and was about to blow up when Rom figured out how to keep the ship in one piece. The only problem is that they ripped time and space in the process and wound up on earth in the year 1947 and you guessed it, at Roswell New Mexico. A most entertainingand funny episode. Have you ever seen that episode?
WarrenB - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
I'm an ELO fan, for certain. Dating back to high school, and then when it was a staple of FM radio. There are a few ELO tunes I want to do, parody wise, but this one seemed a natural to me.
,My wife and I were big fans of DS9. Definitely the grittiest of them all, which is probably why we liked it. Not big on Voyager, but enjoyed Patrick Stewart in NG (except for the very 'preachy' episodes). My memory, like TT has pointed out today, ain't what it used to be, but I do recall the Roswell episode somewhat. I was definitely a Quark fan and really liked the dynamic between the Cardasians and the Bajorans.
DKTTOS; DKST - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
Do you have a catalog of *every* song I DK, and *every* TV show I don't watch? (that's most of them -TV shows -- actually.) Amazing string of probably-great writing of which I have no comprehension or reference. :-)
Spockster - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
Phasers on fives... make it so!
WarrenB - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
@TT- Why, yes I do. I figure with your memory loss you've probably forgotten the unforgettable compendium you published called "The Shows I Don't Watch and the Songs That Parody Them." The New York Times hailed it saying it's "....a .... book." I knew I had to have it after I read the review ;-D
@Spockster- I picked up your latest album recently. It rocks! (
Ann Hammond - June 30, 2010 - Report this comment
you know I got don't beam me down, but don't watch star trek. sings good
Dorothy Parker - July 01, 2010 - Report this comment
If I may say so myself, which I do, I had a much better putdown of a book, famous in its time:
"This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It is a book to be heaved aside with great force."
If you DK me, look me up. :)
Michael Pacholek - July 01, 2010 - Report this comment
There's a video on YouTube called "Steam Trek," and since it's simulating silent films, and thus in black-and-white, the security officer wears a bullseye on his back. As Scotty would say, "A five, lad, that's all I can give ye!" So, Dottie... (as Mrs. Parker's friends called her)... Whatcha doin' tonight? Hope you don't mind me makin' a pass, after all I wear glasses, too. (And, in real life, boy, did she put out.)
WarrenB - July 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Anne- I'm honored to have graduated beyond 'he'. Thanks so much!
Ms. Parker- Wit noted!
Michael- Tell Scotty I know he can't change the laws of physics, but I'm glad he could give me all could give!
Mark Scotti - July 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Phasers on 555 on this one!!
WarrenB - July 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Thanks, Scotti...or is that Doohan???
Jon Noonian-Singh (Jonathan S.) - July 07, 2010 - Report this comment
After reading such a great work, "I grow fatigued!" 555
WarrenB - July 07, 2010 - Report this comment
What space did you pull that seed out of? ;-D Thanks for the v/c Singh. If you'd like to Singh a related song, you may want to check this one out. I think you'll be amused by the ending:
Just something to chew on!
Guy - July 07, 2010 - Report this comment

HA! I just finished watching a Trek NG syndicated rerun. The episode was called "Where Silence Has Lease". The Enterprise is trapped in a void but there is an intelligence at work in there. The entity has a name and it is Nagila. It makes itself known to the crew. It is trying to learn what it can from the crew in what seems to be a lab experiment of sorts.. It is curious about man having a limited existance. It speaks of death and you guessed it. The unfamiliar junior bridge officer in the red suit is killed by Nagila.

This time the red suiter was not on an away mission when he got croaked. Nagila now wants to study death in all manners. Nagila states that he only need kjill one third to one half of the crew to be satisfied. Picard and Riker agree to have the Enterprise self destruct rather than let Nagila have its way with them. It's like a game of poker. Picard bluffed sort of and Nagila set them free. Picard waited until there was less than 10 seconds before disarming the auto self destruct sequence. I thought I had to give you the rest of the story.

The point is that I just wanted to relate that another red suiter just bit the dust. I thought of this parody immediately when the red suiter croaked off.

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